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We Get Mail
As one of the leading humor web sites featuring the word 'pundit' in the title, we get our share of E-mail. Some of it is critical of us, some supportive, and some of it is from a person named "Erlene" who wants to have Steve's baby, and is "fixin' to leave the holler and commence to stalking him". But once in a while we receive mail from an honest-to-god celebrity. These E-mails are worth sharing.
Here then, are some of the more interesting E-mails we have received. Enjoy:
Dear Happy Fun Pundit,
Al here. Look, when I said, "If I had to do this all over again, I'd just let it rip," I didn't appreciate you running over to open a window. You know what I meant. I meant that I'd been, "too scripted, too conflicted and too tightly controlled." I also, apparently, had a large board inserted in my rectum.
But that's all over now. Time to get to know the real Al Gore. He's a mad man! You have no idea how crazy I can get after a double latte' at a Greenpeace rally. I'm the Gorester! In fact, I'm thinking of a few potential image changes. Since you guys are what the cats call 'hip', I thought you could give me some advice on which one to go for:
Rastafarian Al: Hey, man. What it be? I would like to appropriate the 'dutchie', man. I'm ready to take a big inhalation of that marijuana you have there. And these dreadlock hair extensions are just marvy. (Rastafarians say 'marvy', right?) That's me. Al Gore: Rastafarian President. It be a 'cool' thing, man.
Or how about this...
Hip-Hop Al: My home-boys in the cabinet are going to kick the shiz-it out of the deficit, and bring some road-credibility back to the White House, 'bro'. Check out this rap: "I'm the man in the back, ready to attack! And the girl in the corner says Gore ain't gonna bore you! And I think I'm the passionate one!"
Okay, I sort of stole that from 'Ballroom Blitz', but that's a rap song, right? Don't make me bust a hat in your ass, homey!
If you don't like that, here comes...
'Backstreet' Al: Girl, I'm going to be president. Because girl, without you, I'm nothing. Girl. You've got to love me, girl, because I can't live without you, girl. You and me, girl, we were meant to be. Vote for me, girl, and I'll be your ever-loving love slave loving you forever, girl.
See, the 'girl' is America. It's a metaphor. Or a simile. I can't ever get those straight. Anyway, you've got to see my new dance moves to really 'get' Backstreet Al. I can do that arm-crossing finger-pointing thing the kids do. I can even shake my 'groove thing', which I think is the forearm, including the wrist.
So what do you think? Pretty good, huh? If those don't work, I've got more. You guys have to help me find the 'real' me. Because frankly, if this is it, I'm screwed.
Sincerely,
Al 'Rappin' Gore
P.S. Don't tell Tipper about the Hip-Hop thing, okay? She's like, a nut when it comes to that stuff.
Dear Happy Fun Pundit,
Look, I really don't have anything against Israel. I was at Palestinian headquarters to deliver a Ham on Swiss and a Fresca, and got trapped in here. Do you KNOW what it's like to be in a room for OVER A MONTH with Yasser Arafat? He smells like an over-ripe avocado at the best of times, but after a month the odor has taken on the distinct scent of wet collie. And he spits when he yells. And he's ALWAYS yelling. I swear, his eyes bug out with rage when he's ordering a pizza. By the end of the siege I was slipping around on Yasser-spit like Nancy Kerrigan on a bum leg.
Have I mentioned the smell?
Signed,
Sleepless in Ramallah
Dear Pundit Scum,
Do you know how you can tell how powerful I am? Let me tell you - I am so powerful that I can shoot a shotgun into the air with one hand. Here, watch this:
[BAM]
Holy Crap! I think I broke my damned wrist! Oh, man, that's it. I'm going to torture someone tonight for that.
Saddam
Dear Happy Fun Guy Dudes,
Hey, did you hear? I'm going to anchor This Week! Me, little Georgie! My mom said that if I was really good and pretended to be all objective and everything, something good would happen. Thanks, mom!
Wait until Joey and Skipper hear about this. I'm going to go to the arcade and tell them right now!
Signed,
George Stephanopoulis
Dear Happy Fun Pundit,
I resent the insinuation that I would not have made as good a wartime president as George Bush. It's not true. I would have been very, very effective. Let me tell you what I would have done had I been elected:
First, I would have appointed a bipartisan commission to determine potential responses to the attacks. This commission would have produced a report that detailed all of our potential actions. This report would be passed on to a blue-ribbon Presidential panel, which would have summarized it into 15 different action items. Or perhaps 12 action items. Although my mind is still open and willing to consider the options of having 13 or 14 action items.
Once the action items were on my desk, I would have acted immediately. First, I would have contacted experts from our nation's best universities and tried to reach a consensus as to which of the 12, 13, 14, or 15 action items should be acted on first. Once this list was prioritized, I would have presented it to my cabinet for approval.
Once the cabinet approved the list of action items, they would be presented to the U.N. along with the proper forms for submission as a proposed resolution. But I won't be pushed around by U.N. bureaucrats! Therefore, the documentation would be sent in triplicate.
Upon U.N. approval, I would take the first action agreed upon, and immediately contact the leaders of the terrorist organizations at fault. These leaders would be notified that I was about to take serious action, and would be given 48 hours to examine the document detailing the proposed actions. If at the end of 48 hours they voiced any objections to the action plan, I would take their objections back to the bipartisan commision and forcefully demand that the action plan be modified to take these conditions into account.
I would also keep the list of action items in a safe place. Security is very important.
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Mister Fun Pundits,
I have a dream. A dream where all African Americans will have the the same opportunities as white Americans. A dream where the Ranbow/PUSH coalition convinces businesses across America to hire African Americans. In particular, those poor, disadvantaged African Americans who allow their voices to be heard by joining Rainbow/PUSH for a nominal fee of $1500-$2500 per year.
Yours,
Jesse Jackson
Dear Happy Fun Pundits,
So you think I don't know anything about the economy, huh? Well, how about this: You know those ridges on coins? Do you know why they are there? Back in the days when coins were made of precious metals, the ridges were put on them to keep the coins form being filed and cut down for their metal. How about that? Pretty good, eh? Let's see your fancy econometicians beat that for knowledge.
Sincerely,
Tom Daschle
Dear Fun Pundits:
I hate you. I hate all of you. You all suck. I love it here in England, because unlike you, they don't suck.
P.S. Go see my movie.
Sincerely,
Robert Altman
Dear HFP:
Ok, I get it. I'm a one-eyed cleric. It sounds like a euphemism for the penis. Ha-Ha. You think that's funny, but it's not so funny when a bomb drops overhead and you have to hide here in a cave like a chicken, choking on dust, and... WHAT are you laughing at? Oh, chicken choking. Very funny. You sons of jackals have the humor of Rip Taylor. Anyway, we will defy you forever! You shall never beat the one eyed - ha! Thought I was going to say it, didn't you? I am too smart for you infidel dogs. We cannot be beaten. We will rise up and stand erect, holding our heads high, and... STOP LAUGHING!
Omar
Dear Fun Guys:
You want Bin Laden dead? No problem. Just get him to date my girlfriend.
Sincerely,
OJ
Dear Happy Fun Pundit:
Please. Do not listen to Mr. Altman. He loves America. He wants to come home. In fact, he wants to come home so much that he has asked the Royal Marines to escort him back to America, which he loves. Please, take him back.
Sincerely,
Anonymous, 10 Downing Street
Dear Happy Fun Pundit,
I would like to take issue with your inference that I don't understand economics. I'll have you know that I have a full grasp on the workings of the American economy. Just this morning I had a meeting with my staff and informed them that I want to visit the mines where the money gnomes create our wealth. Judging by the shocked looks on the faces around the table, it's very rare for a government official to make such a tour. That's how much I care.
Sincerely,
Tom Daschle
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