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| The Daily Blog |
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POLITICS 101
Or, how to start a new political party without screwing it up royally like the Libertarians did |
Puny hu-mans! While scanning your primitive computer networks, we have discovered that you are
considering a new political party, possibly to be led by a creature known as an "Insta-Pundit".
As a former leader of your pathetic world, I have done what all other political leaders do
after they leave office: I have become a political consultant. Kneel before me while I explain
how to reach the highest office in your country! Bwahahaha!
Rule #1 - Learn to Compromise
One of your hu-man philosophers once said, "Politics is the art of the possible." That means
you cannot have everything you want, at least until you abandon your foolish democracy and
embrace slavery. Let me give you an example from my successful presidential campaign:
Candidate Kang: Abortions for all!
Audience: BOO!
Kang: Okay... Abortions for none!
Audience: BOO!
Kang: Hmmnn... Abortions for some, tiny American flags for others!
Audience: YAAY!!!
You see? You must learn to compromise.
Rule #2 - Get where you want to be incrementally.
Sure, you may believe that your government should be the size of a Taco Bell. But you will
never be elected by putting that in your platform. Instead, you must lead your vict..citizens
gradually in the direction you want them to go.
Let me give you a recent example from an election on my home planet:
Candidate Kodos: If elected, I will fatten you all up and devour you in a
lovely wine sauce!
Audience: BOO!
(two weeks later...)
Candidate Kodos: If I am elected, FREE FOOD FOR ALL!
Audience: YAAY!
Get what you want one step at a time. Your 'gun control' activists have learned this. Though
they may want every gun in your country to be destroyed, they know they cannot win on that
platform. Instead, they argue for locks on gun triggers. Then it will be guns without
triggers. Finally, you will only be allowed to purchase pictures of guns with locks on their
triggers.
If they had started out trying to pass their end goal from the beginning, you would still be
driving in big guns like your history books show. But instead, they have incrementally moved
you to the point where in only a few short years we will be able return and drive your pathetic
race into the gruel mines of Rigel VII without opposition!
Rule #3 - It's a big tent, but not THAT big.
Whenever you form a party that is on the farthest end of the left-right spectrum, you will pick
up everyone on the fringes. What should you do with these people? We recommend extensive
rectal probing. But do not let them have a voice in your party. It only takes a few
extremists screaming about privatizing all roads and an end to all public property, and people
will laugh at you like we laughed at poor Kadath when he accidentally stuck his tentacles in
the Hu-man tenderizer. Remember rules #1 and #2, and only give a voice to the people who will
agree to them.
Rule #4 - Don't say unpopular things without reason
You would think this rule would be self-evident, but apparently not. Consider the Libertarian
leader Harry Browne, who recently came out against the war on terrorism when 80% of your people
approve of it. If you want to commit political suicide, it's much more fun to do it in a hotel
room with an intern and a bottle of Thunderbird wine. Good politicians understand this.
Watch, as I use our brain-scanning technology to show you how politicians avoid saying what
they think:
Strom Thurmond: Mr. Speaker, I have something to say.
Mr. Speaker: (My god, his wrinkles flap when he talks!) The floor recognizes the elder
statesman.
Strom Thurmond: (Did I leave the starting crank hanging from the car this morning?) I
have many important things to say.
Mr. Speaker: (And you better hurry up and say them before you drop dead, you old coot)
Please go on, we want to hear them all.
Strom Thurmond: (What did I want to say again? Up with the Confederacy? No, that was a
while ago. Hey, am I a Democrat?). Thank you for listening, Mr. Speaker. I'm done.
Mr. Speaker: (WTF? Jesus, that was creepy) Thank you. You are a credit to your
party.
See? Trust me on this. Once you are actually in government, you will have to resist the
desperate urge to choke the living shit out of someone at least five times a day. So if you
can handle that, you can keep your big mouth shut now.
A Final Note to President Clin-ton: Please, we can learn no more from you with our
rectal probing technology. Stop coming back to our ship. And quite frankly, the $20 you left
on the instrument console was just plain insulting. What kind of drooling space monsters do
you take us for?
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