Jersey Tentatively Unlocks Gates of Hell

The response to New Jersey's new cloning law has been swift and exuberant as mad scientists flock to the Garden State to take advantage of new laws that favour meddling in matters that man was not meant to meddle in.

The state's zoning board reports that underground excavation for secret laboratories has risen 500% in the first few days of 2004. Fish and Game officials report that pirahna and shark imports have increased by a factor of 120 since the New Jersey State Assembly introduced the bill in mid-December. Contractors all over the state are asking for fast-track work visa approval for skilled European tradesmen, as the domestic labour market is unable to supply sufficient numbers of volcano sculptors, tesla coil assemblers, and sneering henchmen. The producers of HBO's "The Sopranos" have been forced to re-shoot the popular mob drama's opening sequence. The original film, which follows the point of view of Tony Soprano as he drives across the New Jersey landscape, now bears little resemblance to the castle-littered vistas of the area.

Dr. Kresge von Mortes is typical of the newcomers -- well-educated (he holds a Ph.D in Evil Physiology) and well-heeled (he not only owns a villa in an unspecified East European country, but owns the entire village, whose inhabitants, he says, "tremble at the thought of my name"). Asked why he came to Jersey, Dr. Mortes' was succinct.

"Opportunity. Boundless opportunity. You blind snivelling fools have no idea what monstrous abomination you've brought down on yourselves. Hey, did you just write down that I'm mad?"

State assemblymen are reported "pleased and encouraged" by the economic growth spurt brought by the new stem-cell legislation, and are reportedly considering other measures to bring formerly-shunned enterprises to the Garden State. On the table are bills concerning drinking human blood, desecration of burial grounds, zombification (though unions representing government workers have indicated their strong opposition), and forging magical Rings of Power.