Hussein Capture "Crippling Blow To American Troops", Mires Quag Even Further

Corporal John Daggit was ready.

"I'd been thinking about it for hours. I'd even practiced a couple of times in the bathroom. I was gonna walk in, gesture with my M4 for him to put his hands up, then say 'End of the line... asshole.'" With his soft-but-menacing Clint Eastwood delivery, Cpl. Daggit could've captured Saddam Hussein as well as anyone.

But he never got the chance.

And a lot of people, mostly in the media and their political wing, the Democratic party, are asking why. Why hardworking soldiers like Daggit are having their self-esteem trampled by not being included in as important an event as the capture of Saddam Hussein. Many are demanding that the Administration open the books on the Saddam-catcher selection process and prove that it was fair and open. Others are calling the words spoken to Hussein upon capture, "President Bush sends his regards", as grossly partisan, and demanding that the former Iraqi dictator be released and recaptured with more appropriate sentiments. Perpetually resentful Presidential hopeful Howard Dean exploded with rage upon hearing that his regards were not conveyed to Hussein.

"Isn't it obvious that the entire capture of Saddam Hussein was rigged to benefit a few big corporations and cronies of the President? The American people will not sit still as their Consitution is reduced to shreds so --- ahh, I got so mad I pooped my pants! Damn you, John Ashcroft!"

Political response to Saddam-gate has been quickly forthcoming. Led by usual suspects Senators Daschle (who would've said, "Saddam, I'm very disappointed in you"), Schumer ("I'll take that gun, thank you very much!"), Clinton ("I'll blow you if you back me in 2008") and Kennedy ("Get in my belly!"), a group of Democrat politicans have put forward a bill to have all troops not intimately involved in Hussein's capture receive immediate self-esteem counselling in a "positive environment". Other bills, declaring Iraq to be "not a positive environment" and establishing and funding the "Robert C. Byrd Self-Esteem Counselling Center (A Positive Environment)" in West Virginia, were also put forward with the sponsorship of Robert C. Byrd ("I declare this to be the Robert C. Byrd Hidey-Hole").

On the other coast, many residents of San Francisco showed solidarity with Hussein by living in very small spaces in an environment that smells strongly of urine. In Florida, Janet Reno held a press conference to say, "Psssshaw. That's no way to storm a hideout."

International reaction was also harsh. Speaking for the EU, French guy Jacques Chirac ("Give me the money you owe me and I might forget I found you!") said something in French that probably meant, "American very bad" or some such.

Posted by Steve at December 16, 2003 03:27 PM