What is the Matrix? Can you eat it?

Senior administration officials (those bunch of blabbermouths) today revealed that research into thought-controlled robotics has gone much further than previously revealed. The technology involves implanting a sensor into the brain of a subject who may then control a mechanical arm by thought alone. Sources close to the White House, speaking on the condition of anonymity, say that Senator Ted Kennedy demanded to have his brain implanted with the device after seeing the film "The Matrix", in which indviduals who are otherwise inert blobs of goo get it on with foxy young people.

"Resorting to the blue pill is not our country's only or best course at this juncture. There are realistic alternatives between taking the red pill and declaring unilaterally that we will take the blue pill. Choosing a particular pill should be a last resort, not the first response. Now will someone please get me a cheeseburger?"

Scientists report that Kennedy/robot interface was challenging from the very beginning, likening the implantation procedure to "trying to sink a woodscrew into a fishing net." Once that hurdle was overcome (with "a lot of Bondo and some tinfoil") there were numerous operational problems. The first Kennedy-controlled robotic arm stole a Volkswagen and drove it off a bridge, though managing to swim to shore and call for a ride home before its batteries were exhausted. Trial number two was also unsuccessful, with the robot arm unable to do anything but grab interns. The third round of testing is ongoing, and may be successful if the robot arm can be convinced to stop living in the shadow of its two more popular predecessors, and maybe lay off the Twinkies and bourbon.

The Kennedy family's only official comment was that they were looking forward to a time when Kennedys would not be subject to the dangers of cars, planes, and small arms fire.

Posted by Steve at October 13, 2003 10:36 PM