PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for your interest in Happy Fun Pundit. We have spent a great deal of effort cultivating the good will of acquaintances of third-world bank directors, and it's most gratifying to reap the rewards in the form of emails such as yours. As Katie the Dog says when she receives a "Confidential and Personal" email: "WOOF!", which is her happy bark.
Unfortunately, due to the sheer volume of money we are moving in and out of Africa, we must begin to be more selective in which accounts we can handle. Therefore, effective May 1, 2003, we will generally only be handling transactions for amounts in excess of 45,000,000 (FORTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS) or for which our "helper's fee" exceeds FOUR MILLION (4,000,000) dollars. We hate to turn away business, but the logistics of driving back and forth to the bank with Rubbermaid tubs full of cash dictate that we cannot handle all requests.
The one exception to the above rule will apply only to purchasers of our Happy Fun Herbal Lengthening Stiffener, which guarantees an increase of a full cup size in a matter of WEEKS. We have found that bank directors, dictator's widows, and oil bureaucrats who have been herbally lengthened and stiffened to be a better quality of people, and often have reduced their debt through our Happy Fun Herbal Interest Rate Reducer, available in a convenient 3.5% size.
If this arrangement is to your liking, please fax us your bank account number, address, and hours when you probably won't be home. Please note that we fully understand that African bank directors prefer to receive their mail at American addresses; hey, we'd do the same thing if we lived in a crazy-ass country like yours. Knowing how secure the banks are, we imagine the post office must be a carnival.
In all cases, best of luck getting that cash somewhere safe, even if you're being crushed by debt and have inadequate body parts that people are secretly laughing at.
Regards,
-- The Happy Fun Guys
PS: Do you guys watch Star Trek in your country? 'cause we have a really funny post about Star Trek on our weblog that you should check out.
Posted by Steve at May 16, 2003 01:22 PM
Is it because I visit this site that I've gotten no less than five offers from various West African money types? Here's my most recent response. Enjoy!
Victor,
How can I put this? Well, let's try it this way:
1. Ministry of Finance of Banjul, Gambia; $17.5 million; 20% commission
2. Central bank of Zimbabwe, $20 million; 20% commission
3. Sierra Leone (Idris Mulete), $20 million; 25% commission
4. Ecobank Benin, 15.5 million; 30% commission
I'm beginning to see a trend here. The more I say "no" to West African bankers, the more I get offered in return. I'm beggining to feel like all the girls I pursued in high school, but without all the pot pourri and lotion (what is it with chicks and lotion?). Oh, those were rough days, all right. "You want me to take a shower? I'll take a freakin' shower!" I would tell them, but, no, it wouldn't be good enough and they would promptly say "thanks for the shower, but now you need to wear your underwear UNDER your pants," and so on and so on. They'd keep upping the ante, and keep matching with what chips I had, but it always came crashing to an end when they'd tell me to stop playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Sure, I haven't been laid in almost 40 years, but I gotta be me, you know?
Where was I?
Oh, yes! I'm the virgin and you're the horny tuba player. Blech! Now I feel dirty. So I'm going to hold out, and see if I ever get an offer where my commission is 100%. I'll refuse that offer, too, of course.
I just want to see how far a West African banker is willing to go to get into my proverbial panties.
I'm such a bitch sometimes!
