I think I haven't laughed this hard in WEEKS. And I used to be a Trekkie. (I lost my Trekkiedom when they made fun of Capitalists and abolished money--that was way too lefty for me...)

Now that's good stuff. Well done.

I really LIKED Firefly...why did they cancel this great show while they keep renewing crap like Friends and Will & Grace? Ratings be damned...Big Daddy wants his Firefly back!

I always thought the most unrealistic thing about Star Trek wasn't the technology, but the fact that nobody was gunning for the next promotion. No Office Politics in the Future? Gimme a Break!

It's just a goddamned TV show, get a life! (Vulcan middle finger salute)

Re #2: I know nobody ever watched DS9, but the Ferengi knew exactly what holographic technology was for.

I'm a Trekkie, this f-ing made me rupture my spleen laughing.

And another thing, I've been a Trek fan since the first show until Enterprise, but I will say without any hesitation that Firefly was the best SF that ever showed up on my TV. Why they killed it with scheduling poison and little advertising I will never know. It had the same kind of fan fanaticism that ST did. But it was too clever to survive. The suits didn't understand it.

And how come every time they came upon an "advanced" race, they were always dour and dead serious? I would think that a truely advanced race would be happy, jovial, great guys to be around, not a bunch of pompous, self-rightous snobs.

Oh ya, something else unbelievable: the alleged "romance" between Riker and Troi. Give me a break!

I agree completely about Firefly. I also think it was the best SF show I've seen on television. It was smart, funny, had good characters, AND it portrayed a future that is at least plausibly realistic.

The whole Federation thing always bugged me. There's no need for money any more? Does that mean there's no scarcity? Can I have the Feds whip up my own starship for me? Or are there limits? If there are limits, who decides who gets what?

The political structure of Star Trek was silly. The portrayal of the future is totally unrealistic and flies in the face of what we know about human nature.

And you'd never see Picard kick a handcuffed bad guy into an engine intake.

The thing that alway bothered me about Star Trek was where and how they went to the bathroom. Seemed like none of them ever had to.

Yeah, the Feddies are a funny bunch. Who ever said that a primitive race should control the Federation and have so much power? The Klingons should have eiliminated the Federation back in the classic Star Trek...or even the Q continuum should have been able to abolish the Federation before Picard was ever born. Think about it.

I was going to leave a comment earlier, but I had to reverse the polarity on Netscape.

Well done.

Aye, aye, aye! ROTFLMAO on the comments!

Yeah- I did enjoy watching the Firefly captain kick that bad boy into the intake. I wonder what Geordie would have said about that. Do you think the reason all the doors were so WEEET'y was because of all that polarity reversing? Not to mention that would have made the Enterprise- and the Voyager- into intergalactic versions of a Rover P3, or maybe a Triumph TR4.

Good stuff. Indeed on the Holodeck!

On the subject of promotions, it amused me that, by the time STTNG ended, virtually everybody on the ship held the rank of Commander. And, yet, everybody pretty much continued to perform their same jobs. (This was as bad as the geriatric TOS crew in the movies all having the rank of Captain. . .but still performing the jobs they had as Ensigns.)

I've never seen Firefly but will have to look for the reruns. I really liked Babylon 5, though. A much more realistic view of humanity's future, I'm afraid.

Another thing I hate about Star Trek is they way they always sucking up to one another:

Warf: Captain, Admiral Whoosits is hailing us.

Picard: Woosits! He's the finest Admiral in the fleet!

Everybody, and I mean everybody, is considered the finest in their field. Nobody ever says "Oh, him? I remember him, he was a panty sniffer back in the academy! What an asshole!"

I also agree that Firefly was the best thing I've seen on TV for a long time. Anybody know if they will release the show on DVD?

Yes, Joss Whedon has said that Firefly will be released in the summer in DVD format, in widescreen. AND, the three unseen episodes that were in the can before cancellation will also be on the DVD.

And, he's still trying to keep FF alive. There are rumors of a movie deal in the works.

I sure hope so. That show deserves another chance.

And another thing about the Holodeck is it was always malfunctioning. It's all fun and games until you're trapped in a Holodeck with Jack the Ripper and the safety's off. And if it's not the Holodeck, it's the transporter sending you to an alternate universe, or the engines screw up and send you back in time. The last time MY car broke down, it didn't send ME hurtling through the space-time continuum. Hell, it seemed like these guys were going back in time every other week. Heaven forbid someone did a Holodeck simulation of a transporter during a tachyon storm, the clocks would look like something out of a Dali painting.

About the holodeck: Giordi would either reverse the polarity so what ever was on there would get sucked into space. Or they would just use the transporters
and oh that would be a whole new series: Garbage men of the Federation.

I laughed until I hurt. I feel so stupid. What channel did Firefly premiere on and of course the suits understood it; It wasn't PC. Anyone who understands command knows it is by committee.

Well, Dr. Who constantly reversed the polarity- usually of the nuetron flow and that show rules.

Dr Who reversed the polarity on NEUTRONS? Neutrons don't flow, and have no polarity! This is what you get when you let Brits do Sci-Fi. Oh, and Red Dwarf. You get that too.

A couple of other reasons to hate it:

1)Picard must have set a record for surrendering or considering surrendering the Enterprise. Of course, he's French, so must be in the genes.

2)I have always believed that the TOS Federation was sort of like the UN in Korea - lots of different nations under USA command fighting really bad guys. TNG was the UN in Bosnia - hapless, hopeless, and really clueless.

3)TNG never met a battle it couldn't duck out of - I really think for TNG they had "First, Do No Harm" engraved over the Star Fleet Academy gates.

Regards,
Dave

Well, I love Star Trek, and this list is s riot - (we won't talk about trying to not to pee ourselves...) but as for the best scifi show on TV that was cancelled this year? .... It wasn't Firefly (although that was a good show). Doesn't anyone around here watch Farscape? Now THAT was a good show and it's too bad the bean counters at Scifi screwed the pooch by cancelling it early.

Christopher Johnson-

The reason they never showed the bathrooms on the Enterprise was that it would be too disorienting for viewers. You see, Geordi had reversed the polarity of the artificial gravity and mounted the 'fixtures' on the new floor, which was actually the ceiling.

Why? So the crew of the Enterprise could go where no one had gone before.

---*running away really fast*---

dave

Thanks to Dave Mac for mentioning Farscape. I agree; it was the best SF show on tv. And it's not dead yet- Brian Henson and family just bought back all of the shows his dad owned (that the family foolishly sold to Vivendi a couple of years ago) and Farscape was on the list!! As soon as the transaction is approved by the board at EM-tv(about ten weeks), the Henson family will take over again. Yay!!
If you would like a chance to meet other Scapers and the Cast, go to www.bluelady.org and read about ScaperCon. This is not a professionally run Con but is run by the fans for the fans and is an enormous party. Farscaape Rocks!! Rock on!!

Mollbot:

They reversed the polarity of the neutron flow on The Real Ghost Busters all the time with good effect. And you can't argue with that.

Ha-larious!

Ensign Barclay had the right idea, "I AM THE GODDESS OF EMPATHY!"

I'm not a Trekkie, but this is some great stuff.

Out-STANDING! Somebody has finally given the most hackneyed, PC sci-fi show in history a proper bollicking.

Reminds me of Scott Adams in "The Dilbert Future", trying to explain why the holodeck would be the last invention the human race ever came up with. I bet the commonest use of phasers, transporters and McCoy's "anabolic protoplazer" would not be in the service of humanity, but by fraternities committing innovative pranks. Think of the things you could beam into the Dean's office. For example, things with their sphincters anabolically protoplazed shut.

You forgot one of Geordi's favourite solutions to engineering problems - "ejecting the warp core". Seems to me that if you are 500 light-years from home with nothing left but a box of AA Duracells and the Starfleet equivalent of a 2.5 horsepower outboard, ejecting the warp core would be the third-last thing you would consider, just above "abandoning ship" and "self-destruct".

By the way, the "self destruct" option? Never bought it. Can you imagine a modern (manned) warship or aircraft rigged to blow up on command? We spend enough time and money trying to figure out ways to keep them from exploding to build something in to do so on purpose. Why build in a circuit to do it for you? Especially with all those sparks flying around the bridge every time the Enterprise hits a rut in the space-time continuum. Of course, I can understand the rationale of having the computer do it. The only way to sink your own sub, for example, short of ramming something, is to purposefully detonate a torpedo or other weapon on board - and can you imagine what a crewman would say if the captain told him to drop a grenade in the inspection hatch in order to keep the Romulans from getting their hands on the ship? I can guess - it would be mostly one-syllable, anglosaxon words.

Finally, bravo on the "committee leadership" issue. Nothing stuck in my craw more than Picard getting second-guessed by tubbo Riker, or even (gasp!) Troi, the spandex psychologist. She would've been picking up more tha vague feelings of discontent from me, I'll tell ya. Picard should have posted the entire bridge crew to a Klingon cruiser for a few weeks' refresher training in "followership". I'd've paid good money to hear him tell Riker, "Look Will, shut yer gob or you'll be cleaning the heads with your toothbrush the next time Laforge reverses polarity".

Well done.

Ensign Barclay had the right idea, "I AM THE GODDESS OF EMPATHY!"

I guess that's why he was actually a lieutenant, eh? (grin)

I have to agree with all of these, especially the Firefly comments. And to the person who asked about Firefly coming to DVD, I read a lot of rumors recently that they(FOX) would be releasing all the aired and a couple of un-aired episodes on DVD in the near future. I hope so.

Good comments, all, but you're overlooking one obvious problem about the holodeck: scheduling.

Given 4 holdecks on an Enterprise-D, running 24/7/365, each crewmember is allocated less than one hour per week. Yet, Geordi, Data, Barclay (or whoever) always find a holdeck empty and available for their use.

More realistic: Geordi rushes to Holodeck 3 to recreate Leah Brahms again, only to find it already occupied, running a program called "Debbie does Deneba."

Two Words: Firefly sucks.

"Dr Who reversed the polarity on NEUTRONS? Neutrons don't flow, and have no polarity!"

Hey, when you can travel through space and time you can argue with the good doctor. Now have a jelly baby and go to your room.

Well OF COURSE it's unrealistic! Some of the commenters are saying that as if it was a bad thing. If you really want realistic turn off the TV and live your life.

Anyway, great list. Hilarious. I've been a Star Trek fan since the very beginning. It's certainly possible to recognize the problems and laugh at stuff like this list and still think it's a great show.

Troi: I don't need to be an empath to tell you how she feels about Mr. Data.

Picard: And I don't need Giordi's visor to see that camel toe showing through your spandex outfit.

A very good and very funny list, but incomplete:

1). The immaterial energy creature problem: 45% of all problems are caused by same.

1a). Said creature is never found by a standard sensor scan.

1aa). Now that I think of it, did a standard sensor scan ever pan out?

1b). Luckily, a modified tachyon burst would invariably take care of the problem.

Conclusion: LaForge should bite the bullet and install a Large Red Button on Picard's chair arm: when pushed, it would generate a modified tachyon burst at will. Picard could then assure himself of a dull tour of duty by pushing the LRB at the first sign of trouble, or, indeed, whenever bored.

Moe

PS: Oh, yeah, no pockets on the uniforms. That was a bright idea...

>>Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"
TOO funny.
I read an interview with Troi one time, she was in a scene with Picard and said, "He's hiding something Captain." Patrick Steward yelled back
"Of course he's hiding something you stupid cow!"
She yelled back, "I don't write this crap. I just say it, don't yell at me you ass."

Considering how far-right some of the commentary is here, and how leftist, populist, and Humanist Gene Roddenberry and Star Trek's writers were, I'm surprised anyone here likes Star Trek at all.

So, to all you Ferengi here: Firefly was good. But Farscape was better. :)

The most unrealistic thing about ST is, there are no contractors. I work in the federal government, and nothing, absolutely nothing, gets built or done without contractors.

Hardly any lawyers either -

Yes, the 10 things I hate about Star Trek was very amusing. And, sadly, downright accurate.

But unfortunately, that's what happens when a sequel show (ST:TNG)that was supposed to be about some semi-utopian future is created in the era when Political Correctness was both embryonic and should be retroactively aborted. But, since time-travel is an impossiblity, a "retroactive abortion" would be moot.

I agree with the whole technobabble issue. I think that while the technobabble was good for the series (it gave it a sense that certain things did at least work on a starship), it may not necessarily have been a good thing for the TNG movies. The idea of a feature film on the big screen is to try and draw in the largest mainstream audience possible. The classic Trek movies got this right. Back then, the technobabble (herein referred to as TB) was non existent, except for the occasional mention of the warp or impulse engines, or phasers, or photon torpedoes. Very abstract. Very analog. Easy to understand. (hey, that almost sounds like an advertising slogan.)

The Next Generation movies on the other hand, while good for Trek fans, were chock full of TB goodness (sarcastic). Everything was rooted in precision. The common movie goer who may simply have been looking for a good escapist science fiction movie(and on the unlikely chance had never even heard of Star Trek) might find the NEXT GENERATION movies to be a bit overwhelming in the TB department.

To give a good example of the simple vs. complex nature of the classic films vs. TNG films, let us utilize a controlled setting here. A scene from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as played out in the original version, and as it would be played out by TNG.

CLASSIC:

SPOCK: (scanning) Sporadic energy readings, portside-aft. Could be an impulse turn.

NEXT GEN:

DATA: (scanning) Sporadic energy readings in the tertiary EM band. Judging by the dissipation rate of plasma, I would say it was an impulse turn in the portside-aft arc.

I would think that the common movie goer would go for brand "A" in our Taster's Choice test here.

I don't know why I posted all this. Just putting in my two cents worth. For all it's worth, I have been, and always shall be a Star Trek fan, as long as I like the stories.

And, just for the record: I think the biggest problems with the first three Next Gen movies (despite the fact that First Contact was a great story) is that they ended up translating almost perfectly to the small screen, thus looking like overblown two hour episodes, instead of big screen epics. At least NEMESIS (my favorite of ALL the Trek films now) did accomplish this.

But enough of my rantings. How was your day?

Peace,
Martok2112 (Hi bouncycait)

So I can't help but keep reading through all of these and it suddenly dawns on me that all of the series mentioned allowed people to walk around on new planets without the breathing apparatus or other life sustaining gear. Give me a break, just in our galaxy there is only one planet we have found that we can just "beam down and roam about" on... Of course, the obvious answer is that they were genetically manipulating the crew for the atmosphere that is present, but you think they would have mentioned that.

Also in the holodeck arena, I think they would have come up with a Virtual Reality sized one to allow usage in the state rooms; but that is just me...

Very good. Here are some other points to ponder:

Seatbelts: They don't need seatbelts, they need artificial gravity that doesn't go on the blink all the time. Remember, they're IN SPACE. If the artificial gravity keeps them to the deck, it shouldn't matter how that deck is spun around, unlike on earth.

Noisy doors: Not only are the doors noisy, but on the original show they're BRIGHT RED! In fact the whole show had WAY TOO MUCH RED, to show off NBC's living color.

The Federation: Planet-wide? More like UNIVERSE-wide! The ultimate liberal big-government wet dream. The US and Canada are federations. That means the constituent units (states and provinces) are not sovereign entities (can't wage war, mint money etc.) Imagine a universe where your whole PLANET has to answer to bureaucrats in another galaxy! Yech!

funny stuff. But now I'm sure you're on a list somewhere with radical fundamentalist trekkies.

Ummm...it's fictional television. That's why they don't have money, Geordi can fix anything by reversing polarity, and no one hits the can: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MAKES GOOD TV. If it got ratings, they would cut scenes in the middle to pause for someone taking a leak. But it's not, so they don't.

Attention people of Trekdom: please do not analyze this show in any other context other than, "It's a fricken TV show."

Thank you.

The problem with technobabble isn't that it's techie, or complex, or even that it's gibberish.

The problem is that it is used as a big ole' crutch by lazy writers who have backed themselves into a scriptural corner.

It's nothing more than a space-ified version of Batman's utility belt. Just as all hope seems to be lost, and the dynamic duo is being lowered into the shark cage, it turns out that Batman has bat-shark repellent in his utility belt! Yay!

The thing is, on Batman it was a JOKE. It was intended to be high camp. On Star Trek, it was a way for sloppy writers to solve problems without having to think too hard. Blech.

I have met the God in the Machine, and he had very ugly sideburns.

Food made in a food processor probably has no fat content so the uniforms will always fit nicely, and it probably creates no waste products which is why we never see toilets. This theory explains why the Enterprise crew was so shocked when the Hillbilly's they were transporting started cooking food aboard, it wasn't the open fire they were freaked about.

The thing that always bugged me so much about Star Trek was that it was so freakin' easy to take over the Enterprise. Every other week, the bad guys were showing up and locking the crew out of their own computers (probably Windows ME). Then they'd lock all the doors while LaForge was busy trying to reverse polarity and, voila, the'd sail her off wherever they wanted to. You'd think they'd have invented better security after the eighth or tenth time!

Jeddings:

Ooh, look, it's Mr. Cold-Water-of-Rationality Man. You know what? I'll analyze whatever the hell I want to in whatever context I want. For instance, what's with the lack of popular culture? Everyone is a big Shakespeare or Boring Traditional Ten-Thousand-Year-Old Vulcan-Wedding-Song fan. As if. Where is the crappy pop music and lousy for-the-masses theater? (Whether televized, holodeckized, or whatever.)

I loved Star Trek and the List was a real hoot to boot. One of the things that was bother some about Star Trek is that in spite of it's claims to respect individuality, they lived in a Police State. More or less what the Feds did was waste time flying around all day and night looking for some sort of trouble and finding it. I would think a Star Trek future would be rather boring. Day afer day wearing spandex all the time. they never have a jeans day day either. certainly nothing comfortable. yeah and it seems the Borg were sucessful in killing every inventor of the seat belt. The rest are morons since no one has figured out that the chairs really could use restraints. I intertial dampers are supposed to do that but always seem to fail when you need them. The comment on the fuses is funny too. they always seems to be frying something on that ship.

Why would they have to go to the bathroom? Wasn't there a transporter in every bladder and colon?

too funny... ;-)

I have been a low-level trekkie for years (ie, like to watch the shows but don't dress up as one for sf cons) but this hits a lot of points dead-on. had me LOL.

That's one reason I like ST:enterprise better than any of the others. They don't pretend they can kick everyone's butt that hey meet and they are more realistic (so far) in not pulling magical fixes out of engineering. Archer is less of a dork than Picard or other captains. Even the opening theme and images are best.

Besides, Tupal is just hotter than anyone ever on any ST before, particularly in the decon chamber. ;-) (yes, even hotter'n 7-of-9, though close)

Too bad it'll be years before ST:Ent comes out on DVD. I have no interest in seeing the older ST's on DVD, but would buy ST:Ent today if it were available.

You forgot:

All serious problems can be solved or avoided with a trip into the Jefferies tubes. Seriously, if I had to get at whatever whachamagigit as often as they do, I'd put it right behind one of those wall panels - not in some god-forsaken place on deck 22.

In the future, buttons don't need to be labeled with helpful labels like "hail" or "fire torpedoes". The ensigns of the future will know what that button is for by it's number or placement on the board.

Isn't it kind of sad that the post getting the most comments isn't even remotely political? Oh well, gotta go, Star Trek is on.

As Sean points out, didn't they ever have casual-friday on Enterprise?

Or at least 'ditch-the-freakin'-spandex' thursday?

That stuff's gotta chafe... ;(

Oh G_d don't get me started on ST: Enterprise! Capt. Archer is dull. I prefer a cultured captain like Picard but a Don Juan space cowboy like Kirk is at least interesting. And T'Pal is NOT a proper Vulcan. She has far less control of her emotions than Spock who was half-human.

Was I going to calibrate the modulators... or modulate the calibrators? Damn Giordi, I can never keep that straight.

Oh...I almost forgot what I really came back here for. Regarding #2. Yes I do believe that people would recreate Sherlock Holmes mysteries and Old West saloons as well as a lot of other fantasies. And don't forget, there was that episode where Riker created his Perfect Woman, a sultry thing named Minuet. Remember this dialog? (might not be word-for-word correct):

Riker:"How real are you?"

Minuet:"How real do you need me to be?

I think it's pretty clear what was going on there, don't you?

And she never came back...

This is too funny. Remember the Star Trek parody that was on Dr. Demento? The USS Boobyprise. The toilets backed up into the warp drive and Scotty tried fixing it by sticking a wiener into the drive. It didn't fix the problem but Scotty was wondering if they had a "wee bit of mustard" on the bridge. Kirk looking for an alien to fall in love with before the end of the show. When the alarm went off it sounded...

"plot complication, plot complication"

It was a gas!

#4: Actually, you could stop at "Kirk and Spock beam down to the planet." The Captain and First Officer both off the ship in a possibly hazardous zone? No, you send Ensign Gomez and Spaceman First Class Dribble. If they happen to make it back, and found something really important, then you can let Spock go investigate. With a squad of Marines to make sure he gets back. But you don't leave the ship in the hands of Scotty unless it's docked at Starfleet.

Hello,

Whomever wrote this isn't as up to date on
things as he/she may think. Personally it sounds
to me that someone just likes to complain. It is
sad when someone also doesn't UNDERSTAND a genre;
nobody cleans the holodeck it cleans itself, the
panels erupt EVEN with circuit breakers as the
feedback of the powergrid is in gigawatt range
and will traverse any available conduit, obese
people are RARE in TREK as synthetic nematodes have been put into them. There are only 2 things I do agree with in this posting:
1. Yes, LaForge did invert polarities WAY too
many times. I look at the writers needing some
story ideas from current novelists.
2. Yes, "Firefly" is/was a good series. It died
way too soon for me, hell it was just starting to
really get going deep. Hopefully SCI-FI will pick
it up where the network fumbled the ball.

P.S. If the technobabble bothers you, a dictionary
would do you some good. Take a class in Latin.

Wow. Do your mom and dad let you post after 8?

Every time they encounter something unusual, the energy readings are "off the scale." Why don't the ever recalibrate the energy sensors sothat they're operating on a useful scale?

MyBoomStick:

* Star Trek is not a genre.

* The holodeck point is OK.

* In modern days, it doesn't take a gigawatt to power a console, as evidenced by the fact that they managed to power it to film things in real life and it didn't take a gigawatt. Only an idiot would consistently run gigawatts to consoles, over and over again, that have no use for that much power. And no, it won't traverse "any available circuit" or it would *always* blow out the instant it was turned on, it wouldn't wait for someone to stand in front of it while the ship was being shot at.

* Never heard of synthetic nematodes. Sounds like crap.

* Latin only helps you understand how incredibly crappy the technobabble is; it's just random latin things strung together and hung either on "tachyons" (physics has named them but they almost certainly don't exist) or something ending in "-ions" that also doesn't exist and follows no discernable rules. It's still crap.

I mention this because if the authors didn't think exactly the way people like you seem to, perhaps lists like this posting wouldn't need to be made. Which would be a pity in a wierd way, since they are pretty funny.

And let's not forget two of my favorites: "You know, that technology we discovered/invented last week would sure come in handy now, but it seems we've all forgotten about it, even Data." and "Gosh, the [technology] we had last week would have been sufficient to save the day but it seems that our technology's power dropped by 80% this week and now we can't save the world. Pity we can't wait until next week where the technology will suddenly be a thousand times more powerful... still not powerful enough to solve next week's problem but it sure would handily solve this week's..."

Some people need a life pretty bad i see

Love the list. If you've never seen the original Star Trek blooper reel, by the way, I envy you... because you get to experience it for the first time.

Seeing the generic engineer shoveling coal into the warp engines is simply hilarious.

Someone who's not as lazy as I am should make a Star Trek Technobabble Generator. Start with a verb: plus "the" and an adjective or modifier:

and a noun at the end:

Sort of like Mad Libs for dorks.

I can sort of understand that in the future that automated production has eliminated most scarecity. But, how do you motivate people to do the worst jobs without financial incentive. It's one thing to be Chief O'Brien on the Flagship of the Fleet, Enterprise. The Captain depends on you and you have the Esprit De Corps of the Federation Fleet. But what if you're the maintinence tech on Dirtball IV. How did the Federation get you to take that job, supervising the sewer 'bots, when the pleasure planet Ryza beckons. Is it like the Soviet Union, with internal passports to tie everybody to their planet of origin? Another thing, what do people do all day? Practically everything is automated. There is no commerce, insurance, banking, telemarketing. If most people in the Federation have become members of the leisure class, where is the output of their collective brain effort?

What if you create unique art that you refuse to let the Feds make a bazillion copies of with replicator technology? Will they punish you if you trade your art for something else of value?

I guess my chief complaint about Next Gen is they took the humanity out of Human society.

STG:NG was at times as unintentionally hilarious as its predecessor. Who can forget Data punching a touchscreen and saying "manual override does not work, Captain". What ever happened to real switches? Maybe if Geordie had a valve or two to turn down in Engineering, he wouldn't be trying to reverse polarities or dump the warp core.

There's lots more, but something about applying violence to a deceased equine springs to mind...

Hey, at least they finaly came up with the leg restraints. During ST:TOS they didn't even think to get Scotty up on the bridge with some drywall screws and a DeWalt and bolt the freakin' chairs to the deck!

The holodeck was entirely necessary though. What else were you going to do when the writers, who had decided that the Federation had abolished money, quit when the didn't get the raises they were expecting? Gotta have something that the associate producers could used to concoct a story line!

I like the costumes on Babylon 5 way better!

Eric: the bloopers are even more fun when you had Roddenberry there explaining them. The guy shoveling coal into the engines was executive producer Gene L. Coon.

And Scott: someone, I forget who, but someone released the actual Technobabble Generator they used on one of the Trek series. It was a "one from column A, one from column B, one from column C" arrangement, and it worked like a charm. I'd bet you can still get the book it was in...

Jeremy: preach it brothah. Whyinheck would anyone use anything more than about 5 volts DC for a control circuit?

Lastly: Firefly is the best science-fiction series that ever aired on television, period, and the Fox television network needs to DIIIIIIEEEEEE DIE DIE DIE SCREAMING BLOODY DEATH DIE DIE.

Ahem.

Thank you.

"The whole Federation thing always bugged me. There's no need for money any more? Does that mean there's no scarcity? Can I have the Feds whip up my own starship for me? Or are there limits? If there are limits, who decides who gets what?"

I would bet that you could run a capitalist society without money, as long as you had good enough portable, wirelessly networked computers and the right software. Your automated bartering software would calculate the optimum series of deals to turn what you have into what you want. Everyone else's would too.

The problem with barter is that it's slow and cumbersome. Let the computers handle it, and things run a lot more smoothly. You might even end up better off than if you were using money, since natural and politically induced fluctuations in the supply of whatever you're using for money would be eliminated.

"I can sort of understand that in the future that automated production has eliminated most scarecity. But, how do you motivate people to do the worst jobs without financial incentive."

A massively automated society with magic replicators still has uses for trade. Such a society would basically trade three things: energy, services, and intellectual propery (a category that includes replicator blueprints or autofactory programs). Copyright law would take on an importance that we primitives couldn't even imagine.

Posted by: Andrea Harris on May 12, 2003 04:11 PM

For instance, what's with the lack of popular culture? Everyone is a big Shakespeare or Boring Traditional Ten-Thousand-Year-Old Vulcan-Wedding-Song fan. As if. Where is the crappy pop music and lousy for-the-masses theater? (Whether televized, holodeckized, or whatever.)

---------------------------------------------------------------

There's no pop culture in Star Trek because of two reasons:

1) Modern pop culture intellectual property costs MONEY to acquire the rights to use it. (The only reason Garibaldi loved Daffy Duck cartoons in Babylon 5 was that B5 was owned and distributed by Warner Brothers.)

2) When TV writers attempt to create the "pop culture of the future," you generally end up with really cheesy stuff like "Buck Rogers In The 25th Century" or "Battlestar Galactica."

Though I like the cheese of Buck Rogers, I certainly don't want it stinkin' up my Star Trek. :)

*sigh* I sure do miss Firefly.

I heard that it will be released on dvd. And then I will own that dvd. Hah!

I didn't read every comment, so I hope this hasn't already been mentioned:

Regarding the Holodeck. . . it's "other uses" aside, how many times does that friggin' thing have to almost kill someone before people *stop* using it!?!

"A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?"

Rotflmao!! Thanks for that laugh. :-D

Glad to see some people standing up for the Time Lords. I should also point out that the 6th Doctor realized that, rather than reversing polarity, the secret was to "reverse the neutrality of the proton flow," which sounds pretty zen to me. So if you want the secret to traveling in time and space, there it is.

Unlimited rice pudding!

Regarding #4: Mad magazine pegged this way back. My dad had an old Mad Magazine from the 60's (I think) with a Star Blech parody article. Back then Mad's big schtick was to make everything a musical set to a semi-current song, and I still remember some of the lyrics to one of their songs (sung to the tune of "Aquarius")

"When your crew goes through the galaxy
To distant worlds, way past Mars
Be sure that your adventuring
Does no-ot kill off your stars
And you can do it with a crew that's dispensable, crew that's dispensable
Dispensable!

Minor actors that you bring on
Perish when you meet a Klingon!
One-time players not seen later
Vanish in a planet's crater!
Those of us who try to aid them
Fail because the script has made them
Dis-pens-i-ble! "

Good stuff.

""I can sort of understand that in the future that automated production has eliminated most scarecity. But, how do you motivate people to do the worst jobs without financial incentive.""

"A massively automated society with magic replicators still has uses for trade. Such a society would basically trade three things: energy, services, and intellectual propery (a category that includes replicator blueprints or autofactory programs). Copyright law would take on an importance that we primitives couldn't even imagine."

Ken,

In a land of plenty, what could they trade you for your unique artistic contribution? Fame?

Additionally, what about the worst jobs? The ones that can get you killed? The ones with the worst hours or working conditions? Why would anybody take those jobs? Anti-social loners and masochists have been weeded out of the gene pool, so where're your potential employees to come from?

Productivity drives progress. No reward = No productivity = No progress.

Never mind the inadequate safety provisions in the holodeck and transporter: In the 24th century even the occult secret of the Otis elevator brake has been forgotten. The turbolifts threaten to plunge down the shaft at the slightest provocation.

(I'll give them some credit: The use of the holodeck for holo-wanking was actually implied several times, if mostly in subtext.)

Absolutely hilarious!!!!
But what I've always hated most aboout Star Trek (or at least since TNG) is that Starfleet Academy is the most exclusive school in the Galaxy, but half it's graduates are human. I mean Wesley Crusher, supposedly a super genius, couldn't get in because they only took one applicant from whatever part of the galaxy he was in, and someone else did better on the entrance tests. Apparently their quota for Earth is many, many times larger. Wouldn't a UN-style bureaucracy like the Federation have some form of affirmative action? And how the hell did Worf get in? I doubt his strength was taking tests. It's like the UN being controlled primarily by the US, without anyone minding.
Another thing that bugged me is when a new treaty would hand control of a planet over to some empire, like the Cardassians. These people has lived in peace and freedom with Federation protections and now all of a sudden their planet is being given to a fascist military dictatorship with a history of brutally occupying alien planets (i.e., Bajor), and the Federation has no problem with this. Of course, the UN wouldn't either.

Okay, a pretty funny list and all, but I feel I must point out one vital fact about point number 5 (rule by committee). In the Firefly example you cite, the lines you attribute to 'captain' are in actual fact said by Jayne, the mercenary. In that particular scene, the first officer and captain were unavoidably detained, and the rest of the group were trying to decide what to do. Shortly after Jayne delivers that line, he's sedated by the doctor, specifically so that they *can* decide on their course of action as a committee. In fact, (IMHO) the crew of the Serenity are generally a lot less strict about the chain of command than any crew of any of the Enterprises- would Scotty or Geordi ever refuse to obey orders because their Captain made some sarcastic comments about how they'd look in a fancy dress? I doubt it!
Firefly is, without a doubt, the best sci-fi series on TV since Babylon 5, at the very least, and the gross incompotence shown by Rupert Murdoch's minions at Fox in cancelling this show should be considered a crime against humanity.

The Federation - a union of myriad worlds, cultures and technologies. The wealth of a large protion of known space and the wherewithall to build starships to traverse same.

So how come every two-bit first contact the Enterprise stumbles upon comes as close to blowing up Enterprise as a M.O.A.B. does to bringing the Stone Age back to Iraq instead of being blown out of space with Federation superweapons?

Every alien aggressor seems to have either far superior technology or roughly equivilant, yet somehow more deadly, means of destruction. The Federation is looking more wimpy every day.

And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator?

That's the Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator. :)

here is a link to a book called "The Physics of Star trek" It has just about every comment above listed..plus a lot more...great book!!!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060977108/103-4299939-4622264?vi=glance

best line of the book:" The Main Mistake made on Star Trek is they split an infinitive every damn time: To boldly go....!"
tooo funny:-)

So I'm perusing the referrer logs, and I see that we've been linked by http://www.wilwheaton.net/.

Uh oh, thinks I. He's gonna be pissed about the "Captain, I'm just a punk" crack. But it turns out he actually thought the list was funny, and had some nice comments about it.

Wil Wheaton's a cool guy. From now on, he gets totally free access to Happy Fun Pundit!

The rest of you... PAY UP!

What I kept waiting to see was Dr. Crusher "coming to" and realizing that any injured part of a body, short of the head itself, could be replaced instantly by a 'medical replicator.' Just beam on a new arm to replace that mangled or burned one--from stored replicator info and surgery table coordinates.

This would end all the bigger penis spam as well. "Say Doc, as long as I'm here..."

I don't know. I am drunk, but I love ST: TNG. Beverly was fucking hot!

OMG-- I loved it!! I got every one of those does that make me a Trek geek??? ah who cares I love Star Trek!!!

BTW-- I reversed the polarity on my cell phone and the Aliens fom Area 51 would like to order a large cheese pizza, two 2 lieter cokes and 10 hot wings.

Y'all got low, low standards. Star Trek is like this enormous, swollen red balloon hanging in the air right in front of you just begging to be popped and the best the list can come up with is "they'd have used the holodeck for porn?". I can do funnier things with a hemmorhoid and a needle.

LOL

You know, that was SO much better than I thought it was going to be...

Wow, I haven't laughed that hard from something online in a VERY long time.

Thanks. :)
Jen

Another thing was the friggin' shields; they sucked. Two laser blasts and you were at the mercy of the borg. They would have been better off if they had covered the Enterprise in panty shields. Woulda saved money too.

Why did Giordi wear an automobile air filter on his head.

James T. Kirk: outerspace pimp.

Oh, and I believe Dr. Beverly Crusher's middle name was Ball.

That is a great list.

Also Sorry folks, while Firefly was good, Farscape was much better. I mean, who else can not only swap the character's personalities to the others' bodies, but also let them play with the newly acquired private bits? Come on, that is hilarious!!

I came over from Wil Wheaton's blog. Absolutely wonderful! #2 is most amusing.

The list was a hoot.
People, it's a freakin' TV show.
For those of you who analyzed, reanalyzed and over analyzed this-
Get. A. Life.
Your social retardation is showing.

one of the main things that has always bothered me about ST (any of them), is that if you can go warp 9, why the hell would you go warp 5? I'm no physicist, but once you're up to warp 9, can't you just shut off the engine and continue at warp 9 until the time comes when you have to slow down? Or does that whole "warp field" thing get in the way of inertia?

btw, the latter years of DS9 were the best ST stories ever, in my humble opinion.

"The Main Mistake made on Star Trek is they split an infinitive every damn time: To boldly go....!"

Contrary to what you may have heard in school... split infinitives are not necessarily wrong, and to avoid them often means introducing unnecessary awkwardness. Since about 1908 grammarians have been arguing that this is an out of date rule.

http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Split_infinitive

Do a google search for split infinitive if you don't believe me.

I've been a Trekkie since the original show aired in Primetime and this list is GREAT! I was also a Farscape, Firefly and Babylon5 fan, as well. I think I may have a problem; there are no "sci-fi fans anonymous" in my town. Thanx for a great site.
LLAP

Where is the Earth Shattering Kaboom?

To all those guys and gals who make the comments like 'its only a TV Show, Get a Life', I say 'Get a life' right back at ya - we're just having fun !! Know what that is - or are you too anal ?

I just peed in my Spandex, I laughed so hard. Where on this damn ship is the laundry room?

krome,

That is a very interesting observation. The short answer is probably to save on gas. However, what's really interesting is when they were doing warp 9 then went to a complete stop how come no one's guts plastered the view screen? We already know they don't wear seat belts. I mean, I myself have had some sudden stops, only once was I going over the speed of light and that was due to, um, cold medicine, but warp 9 to 0 that stop woulda been a mofo, if you know what I mean.

And how about the food replicator? I wonder if you could order chitlins or mountain oysters? Hmmm

"Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?"

And what color shirt is he wearing? Red, of course!

I was always bothered because the rooms never had showers or toilets.

People keep making comments about the lack of Money on Star Trek. Hello what about Gold Pressed Latinum? I guess that was only used by races that couldn't make enough replicators.

Think about it though money would be pointless if we all had replicators. Just try to sell me something, i would tell you to piss off and replicate it once i got home.

You could also just replicate more money, it sort of confuses me why people didn't just replicate gold pressed latinum.

Another Wil Wheaton blog reader here. Say what you want about the guy's character on TNG but the man himself is hysterical. Therefore I trusted his opinion and came here...and promptly spit on my computer monitor from manaical cackling. Seriously there is Brisk all over the place now (missed the keyboard, thank a diety if you feel the need).

Firefly and Farscape (and many other cancelled shows that, admittedly, have their flaws) are the two best SF shows (or shows in general for that matter) that have ever graced my TV screen. Their creators, the evil Joss Whedon and David Kemper (both of whom i HATE in the best way possible), should seriously teach a class on how to write good TV. I mean even if Buffy is not your thing, you have to admit that 1) it is well written within its own context and 2) like most genre fiction, is a heck of a lot better than 90% of the rest of the frelling garbage on TV.

Oh no....I just used Scape slang in public...er sort of. Wait I did it again. I am a hopeless nerd who needs to get a life.

All these sci-fi shows take themselves too seriously for me. My favorite space TV show of all time was the short-lived QUARK (1978) with Richard Benjamin heading the intergalactic trash collection vessel. Who could not adore the "twins" Betty and her clone Betty? The way she (or she) would snap at plant-being Ficas "PLANT!"? Not for everyone, apparently.

One presumes that gold pressed latinum cannot be replicated, as Quark would have figured it out about six seconds after the Federation arriving on DS9 (Cardassian replicators are inferior creatures, as everyone knows).

The list was pretty funny. Especially the bit about fuses; I'd always wondered (even as a little kid) about the kind of people who'd arrange things so that every time a ship (with poor shielding and a crew exhibiting at best a variable willingness to actually shoot its enemies) got fired on, every console would explode.

Re: bathrooms? We've seen sinks and rooms with doors right next to said same (remember "Imaginary Friend"?).

And hear, hear re: everyone being captain and still having their same jobs. Almost as silly as Janeway's 7-year mission, in which no one got promoted at all. The only reason Naomi and Icheb got promoted in the alternate universe future place was that Chakotay and Janeway, obsessive-compulsive control freaks with a fixation on their own power over everyone else, were dead. It's not like she'd have to give them raises, after all (since there's no money in Starfleet, except when you want to buy fabric at Farpoint Station) At least we know that Scotty hung out on the Enterprise for decades because Kirk was cool and the Enterprise was the only ship doing anything interesting...

Analyzing this stuff is a blast. Especially considering the fact that most of America is content to analyze drivel like "Survivor: The Amazon" and "American Idol."

Last comment about all this. If the food replicator somehow got its polarity reversed, say by maintenance negligence by Giordi, and for a week all the crew had to eat for lunch and dinner was chili with beans, a side of boiled cabbage, a bran muffin for dessert, and hot black coffee and for breakfast there was only shredded wheat with prune juice, and hot black coffee. My guess is by day four without any restrooms on board, as pointed out by "the Nub", there'd be a crisis. The ship's gift shop probably couldn't handle the demand for toilet paper, adult diapers, and Glade Air Freshener. Yessir by day 7 you'd have a flying colostomy bag doing warp 9 for starbase 12 for the hoseout and the $500 detail.

Damn that's enough!

OK one other thing. Say what you like about the show Enterprise, but I would shag the points off T'Pau and put her in a wheelchair.

Troi was a waste of script lines.

SCENE: Alien on screen, eye bulging, steam coming out of his ears, spitting mad.

TROI: Captain, I sense anger here.
/End Scene

Besides her incredible insights, she was a nosy busy body, the Mrs. Cravitz of outer-space.

Another Wil blog reader here. Priceless List! I'm a bit of a Trekkie by marriage. Faboulous! ROFL!

Whenever the script writers were at a loss, they would screw around with time. You could count on at least 10 episodes a season where there were disruptions in the time-space continuum.

And why is that all aliens looked human except for funny foreheads?

"The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this?"

It isn't, perhaps one day when (if) you grow up you'll understand this.

firefly sucked. pure and simple, the ratings said tht too - thus it's being cancelled.

it was bad like stinky cheese in the heat.

don't blame fox, they put it on too remember? the whole series was rewired AFTER the pilot so it would suck less, it was doomed.

Damn thats funny. I still want to know how data did Tasha.

:)

Excellent list!

A couple of additions of my own:

1) Federation computers must be a hacker's paradise. Usual dilogue when someone tries to open a file they don't have access to:

Star Fleet Officer: Computer, open
Computer: Unable to comply
Officer: Computer, override authorization

2) When something malfunctions on the ship, Giordi's first response (before reversing polarity) is to run a Level 1 Diagnostic, which always shows everything is OK. Time to ditch the diagnostics, they never work.

You forgot one--"If you ever encounter an alien race, the vast majority (99%) will merely have a slightly bumpy nose or forehead--And dear GODS, they all wear spandex too!

Thus, the Great Fashion Atrocity of 3015...and clearly the only battle the Federation *lost*."

The top ten was pretty funny. Star Trek fan since I was kid in the 80s. I have to disagree that Firefly was the best SF show. If anyone mentions Farscape that was or is far the best SF show ever existed. To bad that it was raped and murdured by Scifi Channel. It still makes me mad to this day.

If you want to laugh your ass off some more, go to the Church of Shatnerology website:

http://www.shatnerology.com/

The best part is the list of 115 (or so) reasons Kirk was better than Picard:

http://www.shatnerology.com/kirk.html

Here's a quote:

"Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate and charcoal, and fired diamonds into the heart of his enemies. (Need we say more?)"

I always liked how the shields could only take 2 hits from an "inferior" vessel before they could barely hang on, but the Borq took hours to get through the modulated shields.

Also, what good were the transporters? They could beam 300,000 bodies a day from the ship to the surface of a planet, but could not ever lock on when needed to a person flying a shuttle craft less than 1 mile away...

While this is wonderful, in fairness to TNG, the special effects guys did stick a toilet into the core the Borg took out of the Enterprise in the first contact episode.

The one relating this also explained why there were so few space battles: they cost money to create. (Not that more would have been better, seeing as how badly scripted most in the show were.)

Coming late to the thread, and I don't know if it was mentioned, but why was every crew member on Star Trek an officer?

Where were the grunts, the swabbies, the seamen?

Too many clueless brass hats; no wonder the Enterprise was always getting taken over.

No wonder you don't like ST:TNG; you're all neo-cons. You can't see any motivation other than money or sex. God forbid someone give themselves to an organization for the thrill or challenge or prestige. If all your corporeal needs are met by replicators, what else is there for you to do? To prevent their society from degenerating into slothfulness, they instilled themselves and their children with a thirst for exploration and challenge, and strong work ethic.

Maybe there's a reason ST:TNG lasted for seven seasons and Firefly got killed after one: People don't want to see greedy, ignorant people in the future. They want to have hope that we'll grow beyond that.

Paco, thank you so much for coming here and educating us. Your wisdom and knowledge shine like the gold you must shit, unlike us moronic "neo-cons".

It must suck being you. You can't even enjoy a goofy discussion about Star Trek without being political. Go watch The West Wing or something and fuck off.

1. Technology and trade...
Dilithium miners. These guys are indispensible because all the matter/anti-matter engines are regulated thru the dilithium crystals.
2. Trade and commerce...
These dilithum miners are always looking for hot, drug-improved wives.

Who wants to watch a show about swabbies and seamen?
They did one episode about the young ensigns on the ship, 4 of them?
Bored the shit outta me!

Star Wars should devote less time to Jedis and more time to Jawas.

Alfred E. Neumann: This discussion was pretty much political from the outset- Right from the point where the author suggests that the thought of a world without poverty or bickering, infighting governments might in any way be construed as something other than progress. (That would be the third paragraph).

And Paco, it's actually pretty ironic that these guys all love firefly- Joss Whedon pretty much said right from the start that the Alliance represented America, sometimes being the good guys, like in WW2, other times, like Vietnam, not so much, and that Mal, being (metaphorically) Vietnamese, couldn't see that they were also sometimes good. Equally, the plan to set up a Soft Drink Company (Blue Sun) as the big bad couldn't possibly be interpreted as a metaphor for how capitalism screws up life for the working class, could it? And is it also not possible that the reason the show got mismanaged to death was related to the fact that show was on a network owned by a right wing warmonger, and that it portrayed America as a country who possibly doesn't always have the best interests of the rest of the world at heart, and capitalism as a system which isn't entirely perfect?

Oh, and as regards Farscape: It sucked, just admit it. It was never funny, their enemies were one dimensional at best, the characters were cliched. It lasted longer than the original series of star trek, and only got axed because the producers refused to take a budget cut. Get over it!

Ok, first of all --Quark rocked. I still miss it.

Second, ST:Enterprise is a dog. The writing is so bad it is embarrasing. I think they pick the scripts out of the trash behind the UPN studios. Or the stock file -oh, uptight Foreign/Alien Princess rescued by plucky American who "fall in love" (or skinny dip-same difference) before the third act. PUH-lease.

Third, the list is funny as all get out and I'm a WWdotNet referree.

Forth, it isn't Troi's fault that they wrote her part so badly. They still do. THe last movie was all Data (gee, maybe b/c he co-wrote it???) and almost zero Troi and Dr. C. Very poor form.

Fifth, there was one episode about the grunts and even then, they had to kill one off. See, if your job is all science, with no decision making, where is the drama in that? Oh, you are late with your space dust report!!! Ouch. Besides, they have too much staff as it is --don't the computers do/know everything by then?

Yet another Wil Wheaton blog reader here. This is freakin' hilarious. Especially the Star Trek Quiz. I can't wait to see what other stuff you post.

The best part about being Ensign Gomez was that, no matter the episode, the actor only had to memorize a single line of dialogue -

"Captain, I've found something...GAHHHHHHHH!"

I would like to second, third and fourth the comments on T'Pau's hotness; Dr. Crusher was definitely eye candy, but Troi in season 2 or 3 was smokin'! Was she really there as "Ship's Counselor?" "Physical Therapist" is more like it.

I always suspected that there were these 200' tall walls around Federation HQ in SanFran, manned 24/7 by Star Fleet Marines to keep the proles from breaking into their little utopia. All the talk about how great live on Earth was was pure propoganda, propogated by the elites; in reality, 99% of humanity toiled away in the spandex mines to provide uniforms for their betters.

You left out something from the original Star Trek: Captain Kirk; "Blow 'em all to hell." Crewman; "Are you sure that's wise, Captain?" Kirk; "Ok, let me beat the hell out of them first so I can look really manly and Spock can stand behind me quietly disabling all the baddies that try to sneak up on me."

M.Kahn:

Thank you , thank you, thank you, for injecting your own brand of poisonous invective into this fun thread! Gosh, I thought we'd be able to go 20 or 30 posts without someone funking up the place with your pseudo-intellectual name-calling

Oh, and as regards Communisim: It sucked, just admit it. It was never effective, their economics were one dimensional at best, the dictators were cliched. It lasted longer than the original Russian Empire, and only got axed because the Soviet Military refused to take a budget cut. Get over it!

Watched all ST even when I thought the money was wasted just because it was ST. Can hardly type from the tears streaming down my face! This is funny and dead-on.

For the record NEMESIS is WRATH OF KHAN -- why do so few see this? They only left out "The needs of the many..." line to completely rip-off the original.

FIREFLY & B5 (all but season 5) great!

Farscape, B5 (Season 5) create a large vaccuum!

Um, Regarding #5 on your list:

There was a chain on Farscape? Hmm... I must have missed that one.

g

Thanks for reminding me that Firefly was cancelled. *weeps uncontrollably*

There were two best SF shows on my tube this year, and they both began with F and they both were on Friday nights, and they both got canceled prematurely. Farscape and Firefly. I hope we meet again.....

You're all way off-base. The best SF show of recent memory was Futurama:

"When Zap Brannigan is in command, every mission is a suicide mission!"

Futurama also begins with an 'F'. Coincidence? I think not.

This is so unbelievably stupid written by someone who obviously thinks he's funny. Some free advise buddy... don't give up your day job.

10. Boy, I'm bustin' a gut with the wd-40 crack. I'd better like it, cause you keep using again and again...

9. Here you just look like a fool. They didn't abolish money. It's called "credits" and not "dollars".

8. Reverse the polarity. That one is so good, you should mention it more. oh ... wait a minute.

7. Do they have seatbelts in the command center of navy vessels? Think about it. Again... another stupid idea.

6. Have you ever been in an industrial setting where sparks might fly? Obviously not... you're sitting at home on your computer writing lame blogs.

5. There's no doubt, TNG was freaking stupid. Why you felt it necessary to come up with something equally stupid is beyond me.

4. Boy... this is funny. Ummm.. Gomez, right?

3. We can only wish you would reverse the polarity on your car battery.

2. The holodeck has always been a dumb idea. They created it because the writers on TNG were so awful they couldn't stay within the framework they had set up for themselves.

1. Get your reference right.

---

Also, that split infinitive comment which has been made. We are talking about English, not French, or Spanish, or Italian. Although English has taken a lot from latin based languages, it is not itself a latin based language. To split an infinitive is not poor English. This kind of comment is just brought up by language weenies who should really just, "Get a life".

---

The apparent communist society of Star Trek never bothered me. I've often thought that communism would only work in the Star Trek universe, where you apparently have 1) unlimited energy and 2) the ability to turn energy into any kind of matter. In other words, you no longer have the conflict of unlimited wants and limited resources.

It's hard to draw conclusions about the overall society in Star Trek when all you see is the most prestigious starship, populated by the most knowledgable and driven staff. For all we know, there might be 12 billion shiftless, lazy bums on Earth.

It's interesting to think what would happen in a world where one didn't have to work. Would there be billions of bums, or would people want to work out of boredom? One guess is that there would be a whole lot more untalented artists, writers, and actors in such a world.

My biggest complaint about Star Trek is the large number of (humanoid) races which have all developed societies, at the same time, within about 4000 years of human development, and most about level with Earth's development. What are the odds? You never see primitive hunters and gatherers, or a race significantly superior to humans. At least the all aliens are humanoid part was explained in one episode.

Having seen original Trek through today's (tho DS9 bored me no end and could NOT stand to watch for any length of time), this is a hilarious list!

Of all the SF-type shows on TV, Farscape was undeniably the best thing going. (How can you beat TB lines like 'Stand still or I'll fill you with ... little yellow bolts of light!') Hope Rockne, David & the Hensen mob get a chance to finish the arc of their incredibly imperfect universe.

Great list! One thing that always bugged me about the TNG show was the way they'd have some character give a completely unbelievable speech at the end of the episode. A classic example was the episode were Tasha Yar dies; fortunately she had recorded a holograph so she could say goodbye to each of the characters in turn. Or the one where the guy was using the holodeck to construct a fantasy life, and he comes up to the bridge to deliver this sappy, "Gee, I'm sorry" speech.

Ok, couple really important comments.

One - the all time best SF on TV was the original Twilight Zone. All the others were a distant second place at best.

Second- Space Above and Beyond was not bad, heavily into character.

Third - the points about the fuses and seat belts should be engraved on SF producer's forheads.

Fourth- I'd like to find a source for reasonably priced sugar babies.

Fifth - In any SF show where someone activates something, and the heros can't deactivate it, cause the villian bypassed the safeties, or locked out the controls - go to that junction box on the wall of every system that has ever been built, and flip off the main power switch, or open it and cut the wires, or take a hammer and knock it off the wall.
No computer in the world can lock out cut power leads.

Ok, couple really important comments.

One - the all time best SF on TV was the original Twilight Zone. All the others were a distant second place at best.

Second- Space Above and Beyond was not bad, heavily into character.

Third - the points about the fuses and seat belts should be engraved on SF producer's forheads.

Fourth- I'd like to find a source for reasonably priced sugar babies.

Fifth - In any SF show where someone activates something, and the heros can't deactivate it, cause the villian bypassed the safeties, or locked out the controls - go to that junction box on the wall of every system that has ever been built, and flip off the main power switch, or open it and cut the wires, or take a hammer and knock it off the wall.
No computer in the world can lock out cut power leads.

*snicker*

This'll get me flamed, I'm sure (which is why I won't bother reading the comment thread after this), but you know...I never liked Star Trek all that much. I saw enough of it to get the references that the author made, and to laugh my ass off at them. The thread, though, completely illustrates *precisely* why I never got interested in the genre.

It is. A. TV. Show.

It is not a religion.

Also, and it's called a sense of humor. Sounds like some people should get one!

Loved this list, very funny. Made the mistake of reading it at work. Everyone around me thought I had lost my mind.

BTW,
the best ST movie? First Contact.
the BEST scfi show EVER? Stargate-SG1.

"Wisdom" - The Prime Directive was stupid, or at least way too rigid. Capt. Kirk knew this and broke it in nearly every episode and even the generally straight-laced Capt. Picard bent it a little when necessary. The Prime Directive was nothing but a combination Leftist propaganda/stupid plot device.

Regarding aliens with bumpy foreheads, my all time worst ST pet peeve is the Klingons in TNG vs. the Klingons in the original. What happened there? Did the entire race mutate in less than 100 years? Did they decide to do some genetic engineering because they wanted to look scarier? Or are we just supposed to ignore the difference?

Uh, Pious? I'm trying to find a point somewhere in your post.... nope, still looking...can't find anything which remotely resembles addressing any of the points I actually raised. I'm actually quite proud that I can be deemed 'pseudo-intellectual' on the basis of a mere 5 paragraphs of light discussion of various science fiction TV shows, and that you deem my 'poisonous invective' sufficiently original to be described as 'my own brand'.
Now, fair enough, I may have been a bit harsh as regards Farscape, but the fact is, I'm only able to make such comments because I actually watched the show on a regular basis. It just pisses me off that people are making out that Farscape was this awesome, groundbreaking show, when ultimately, the most amazing thing about it was it's ability to be so consistantly average. It shouldn't have been cancelled, but it wasn't exactly a major tragedy that it was, and I think a lot of the blame for this belongs to the farscape producers themselves.
Oh, and by the way, what's with your bizarre rant about Communism? When did I ever express any kind of liking for, or belief in the principles of Communism? When did I even mention Communism?
Also, could you please explain the comment about namecalling? The only person I called anything resembling a name was Rupert murdoch, when I called him a right wing warmonger. Now I'm pretty sure that, were Rupert Murdoch here right now he'd be the first to admit his politics are basically fairly right wing, and as for warmonger (noun, One who advocates or attempts to stir up war), I'd say that Fox news and the Sun and various other organisations he owns could be perfectly legitimately described as having advocated the war. But I'm sure he appreciates your spirited rush to his defence against...completely accurate and inoffensive descripitions of him.

I love the "reversing polarity" stuff!

I always thought the biggest annoyance was all of these alien women that Kirk somehow managed to seduce. You're telling me that they all had the same genitals that humans have? I didn't see Kirk didn't carry around an adapter kit.

a will wheaton blog reader directed this way!
That list was funny as hell!!

now let us a take a moment of silence in the memory of ensign Gomez
..........
"swoooz' Who opened the damn door durning our moment of silence?

Uh, Messeur Kahn? Your points about Farscape may be well taken, it's a matter of opinion after all, I guess it just aggravated me that you felt in necessary to dump over people who obviously enjoyed and miss the show. You feel otherwise, and that's fine.

What I find "ironic" is that you see Firefly as a metaphor for the US and Vietnam, when thematically and stylistically it is obvious a fable about the aftermath of the Civil War. Mal was on the losing side of a war between a powerful federal government and an independence movement of aligned planets. As a consequence, he sets out for the wilderness, much like many Confederate soldiers headed west in the 1870s. So, Mal’s discontent stems more from a yearning for “State’s Rights” vs. Federalism, and a sort of right-wing planetary nationalism at odds with the pan-human soviet of the Alliance.

Oh, and by the way, what's with your bizarre rant about Communism? When did I ever express any kind of liking for, or belief in the principles of Communism? When did I even mention Communism?

Actually, it was when you started talking about how Blue Sun is a metaphor for how capitalism screws up life for the working class. You know, when you mentioned “capitalism” as “screwing up the life” for the “working class?” Maybe I’m wrong, and you meant some other class-struggle-based anti-capitalistic movement. Silly of me to jump right to “Communism.” Sorry about that.

Also, could you please explain the comment about namecalling?…completely accurate and inoffensive descriptions of him.

I don’t give a rat’s patoot about Rupert Murdoch, but you can’t tell me that the term “warmonger” is inoffensive. If it was, then it wouldn’t be plastered in big red letters under President Bush’s picture on every lefty-quasi-socialist-anti-masculinist-post-feminist placard carried by every third anti-war protester. That’s what I mean by name-calling.

We all clear now?

some ppl you know, don't like to be in the spot light, (although I'm definitly not 1 of them) the do exist besides wouldn't we have robots to do all the stuff we could get ppl to do? seems to me to be the smrt thing to do.
I lerned laten and I guat alaut owt off et.. all it does is make you see how stupid what they're saying really is. B5 weas the best si-fi show ever, (I didn't see the 5th year, we moved and don't have those channels ne more) I don't watch much tv now I like reading, but I still make time for ST. We had the greatest times sitting there making fun of farscape, they made it soooo easy to do it was almost (no, it was) pathetic.

Ok - the thing about never going to the washroom making for "good tv"... just once I'd like to see someone attack while a major crewmember was in the washroom...have to pull up his pants and rush to the bridge. Something "human", comedic without being over the top.

Like on Firefly. Damn I miss that show.

Sorry if its been said in one of the comments I didn't read, but the thing that always pissed me off about any Star Trek series (and, at least to my knowledge, almost any space-based sci-fi) was that space was planar. If you were moving along and encountered another ship, it was always in your plane or in a plane parallel to you. It never came at you from a perpendicular angle, never anything diagonal or the like. They were always right in front of you, facing you. Isn't space supposed to be 3-dimensional? *grin*

you bunch of sad nobodies. get a life and go back to what ever shit place you came from, twats!

Hermetic:Why don't they ever recalibrate the energy sensors so that they're operating on a useful scale?

Reminds me of my all time fav tech explanation:

Nigel : "It's very special, because, as you can see--the numbers all go to 11. Right across the board. Eleven, 11. . . . And most amps go up to 10? Exactly. Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder? Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not 10.

You see, most blokes are going to be playing at 10--you're on 10 on your guitar, where can you go from there? Where? I don't know. Nowhere! Exactly! What we do, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do? You put it up to 11. Eleven. Exactly. One louder."

Marty: "Why don't you just make 10 louder, and make 10 be the top number, and make that a little louder?"

Nigel: "These go to 11."

IMHO-B5 was much more entertaining than the Uber-PC ST-TNG...Straczynski rocks. Another excellent scifi series that the suits didn't get. I bought Farscape on DVD...it's even better watched as a whole piece. Firefly was too smart to survive network TV.

One would think the suits would realize from DVD sales that there is a huge audience for Scifi...even cheesy scifi is more entertaining than reality show dreck.

>Also, what good were the transporters?<

I've sometimes wondered why they didn't transport a large nuc to just outside the enemys shield.
(A starship in combat must be shooting thru it's own shield somehow - so why not find a way to use the transport thru a shield?)
I suppose it's not PC.

"Dr Who reversed the polarity on NEUTRONS? Neutrons don't flow, and have no polarity!"

You might want to try telling that to the good folks at the Los Alamos Neutron Scattering Center (LANSCE). Unless you don't consider a beam of neutrons to be flowing. Also, neutrons do have a magnetic moment and a spin. Therefore they can be polarized (just like the polarized proton collisions at RHIC) and some people have actually done this.

Most of the words used in Star Trek individually do have some meaning, some of the phrases even do. Typically, though, the details of the words are tedious and mundane to the viewer. So I can't really envision use of technical jargon in a show meant to be entertaining that is any better than star trek. Lots of people watch sci-fi shows with a smug arrogant attitude of "i am so smart, I know this isn't real". In the case of neutron polarization, this person turns out to be an idiot. In fact, in the case of many things in sci-fi, the doubter turns out to be wrong eventually.
But this isn't really the point (well it is part of the point of sci-fi to foster creativity and imagination with regards to technology). But another reason to watch sci-fi is to use extreme situations that wouldn't occur in real life to examine something about human nature. How do we respond to aliens? Even though we don't respond to aliens everyday, we do have to interact with people who are not like us and who have motives we don't understand. Looking at the extreme cases through the use of sci-fi is important.
In conclusion, I've heard enough complaints about how fake e.g. star trek is(though satire is great: i found this page hilarious). The possibilities of technology presented by star trek are sometimes realistic and sometimes not. The important thing, though, is the possibiliities for our existence(as Q points out in the last episode of TNG).

1. Coming out of warp and not getting splattered on the view screen: The "Star Trek Technical Manual," a wonderfully nerdy/geeky "book" explained why that doesn't happen about six different ways. IIRC, the whole idea of "warp" isn't "going really fast" but "we create this 'field' that warps space to a point where Newtonian physics don't apply." Therefore, thermodynamics can just quietly excuse themselves since...they don't apply. MY question is guidance. In "Q-Who?" Picard mentions that they've only mapped about 11% of the Milky Way; yet whenever Picard wagged a finger at the viewscreen and said "Engage," the helmsman would hit the go-button and they'd fly off in a straight line at a pretty high rate of speed, right? If only 11% of the galaxy was mapped, there was a pretty high chance that they'd fly right into something, right? An asteroid, a comet, some little moon that didn't appear on long-range sensors.

2. Holo-wanking. Approaching this from a 21st century standpoint is missing the point. If holodecks had been invented 200 years ago, do you still think people would be spending *all* their time wanking? Like that old rumor about getting a job at an ice cream shop; the owner tells you "eat as much as you want for free." The first three days you gorge yourself on Rocky Road Fudge Ripple goodness, and then for the rest of your life the idea of a sundae makes you gag. I think that after years, decades of having holotechnology everyone would have basically *already* had e