The State of Happy Fun Pundit Speech

Commentator: We are here today in the office of one of the Happy Fun Pundit team, waiting for him to address the internet community in the first annual State of Happy Fun Pundit Speech.

Dan has now entered the room. He's shaking hands with his wife and daughter. Now he's bending down to scratch Katie the Dog behind the ear. Let's listen as he approaches the computer:

Audience: This is stupid!
Audience: Can we have supper yet? Will this take long?
Katie: Bark! ["You are an idiot."]

Commentator: Dan is now at the computer, preparing to type. It appears he has opened a fresh Coke, and brushed the crumbs of last night's cookie binge off the keyboard. It looks like he's ready to go, so here then is the first annual State of Happy Fun Pundit speech:

Wife, child, dog, readers of Happy Fun Pundit: Every year, starting and probably ending with this one, I sit down and waste an hour or so contemplating the State of Happy Fun Pundit. Our yardstick is clear: Are we still chock full o' crunchy pundity goodness? After all, that's what we promised last year, when we were good and drunk.

Before I begin, I would like to thank a very special blogger, Glenn Reynolds. Glenn, I'd like to thank you for... Could you stop blogging for a minute? Thanks. Anyway, I'd like to... Hey, stop your blogging! Can't you see I'm talking here? Anyway, I...STOP BLOGGING! What are you, a machine? Ah well. Whenever he links us, we get more hits than Whitney Houston on a coke binge with Bobby Brown. So, like many bloggers I probably wouldn't be sitting here doing this if it weren't for him.

Audience member: Oh, good. Now we know who to kill.
Katie: Bark! Bark! Bark! ["No, you'd be sitting there playing 'Freecell'. Big improvement, schmuck. Now get me a damned biscuit."]

Not all went according to plan in the first year. We started Happy Fun Pundit on Blogger (motto: "Displaying some of your archives, some of the time"). We promised to attract newer, younger people to the cause, but it turns out they were all hanging out in Scott Ritter's chat room. We told Bob Novak to wipe his chin, but we neglected to consider that his saliva is a renewable resource. We said we'd make fun of the religious right, but Pat Robertson keeps my eternal soul in a jar by his bed, which acts as somewhat of a disincentive.

But we choose to focus not on the bad, but on the good. Because focusing on the bad makes us look bad. And that's not good.

We made many successful promises during what some consider the 'Golden Age' of Happy Fun Pundit (February 12th, about three o'clock). We promised to make fun of Bill Maher. Bill Maher is now holding panel discussions in Podunk on important subjects such as whether Bud Light tastes great, or is less filling. We made fun of James Traficant, and now he spends his days in his cell yelling, "Beam me up!" while his hair piece with its rudimentary brain (who knew?) makes a break for it. And we poked plenty of fun at the Democrats, who now sit around so shell-shocked that the words "candidate Sharpton" sound like a good thing to them.

Can we take credit for all these positive developments in the world? Yes. Yes, we can.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that it's supper time. Thank you, and good night.