UN Supports Iraqi Weapons Inspection

In response to Iraq's announcement that it will form its own teams of inspectors to search for forbidden weapons, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said that the UN will encourage this bipartisan spirit by sending groups of UN specialists to deceive, misdirect, and delay the Iraqi weapons inspectors. The teams will consist of poker players, politicians, and other professionals who are practiced at bluffing and lying while keeping a straight face. Team members will be train to say such things as:

The training regimen for the teams is expected to be rigorous, and include many hours of "Bugs Bunny", "Tom and Jerry" and "Coyote/Roadrunner" cartoons. There will also be strenuous physical training, enabling them to run at high speeds while carrying large boxes of documents, laboratory gear, suspiciously shaped loads covered by blankets, oversized sledgehammers, cream pies, or large crates marked "ACME". One training film released by the UN showed two team members intercept "Iraqi Weapon Inspectors" at the front of the building by forcing them to "pick two fingers", while the rest of the team snuck in the rear of the facility with boxes of fake documents; before leaving, they balanced buckets of water on top of all the doors and let loose three pigs. Another segment of the film shows a team paint "Biohazard" and "Poison" symbols on a forty eight crates of powdered milk, taking less than one minute to do so.

Rather than operate under the auspices of UNMOVIC, which some say would create a conflict of interest, the teams would be part of the new created United Nations Delaying/Eluding/Redacting Weapons Inspector Redirecting Entity, or UNDERWIRE. Said Annan, who has had his sense of irony surgically removed, remarked "They are, after all, tasked with holding up a bunch of boobs."