Iraq, UNMOVIC to be Excellent To Each Other, Resolve to Party On

Hours of intensive talks between UNMOVIC and the Iraq government have lead to a "new era of openness, cooperation, and transparency" according to a joint press release issued by the UN weapons inspection team and the Iraqi Ministry For Deceiving Foreigners. The key part of the memo is the "10 Cool Rules" agreed upon by Iraq as part of the full total superduper cooperation demanded by UN Security Council resolution 1441:

10. Iraq will provide real milk as well as non-dairy creamer and whitener to inspection teams.

9. Hateful limericks such as:

There once was a sucker named Blix
Whose IQ was just sixty six
At a chemical plant
Tore the seat of his pants
Said "This material breach I can't fix!"

will be prohibited. Also, Iraqi children will refrain from chanting Hans Blix-related skipping rhymes where Blix might hear them, and the government of Saddam Hussein will stop showing "The Blix Who Stole Christmas" on Iraqi television.

8. Iraq and UNMOVIC will share the cost of UNMOVIC Inspected My Place of Business and All They Found Was This Lousy T-Shirt shirts as gifts for everyone inconvenienced by UN inspections.

7. Iraq will fund and produce an illustrated version of the 12,000 page weapons declaration submitted to the UN last month. This more light-hearted declaration will include rebuses, weapon-related word searches, and crossworld puzzles, and cut down on the huge amounts of unbroken text which one inspectors candidly described as "frankly intimidating."

6. As Valentine's Day approaches, the official Iraq newspaper will provide free personal ads for all UNMOVIC inspectors. Married inspectors will instead receive a complimentary long-distance calling card good for a ten minute call anywhere in the world.

5. The receptionist at the hotel where the inspectors are staying will not be so surly.

4. UNMOVIC inspectors agree to not be "pushy" when questioning Iraqi scientists, and to give lots of hugs and reassurance to those being questioned. All questions must be prefaced with phrases such as "I'm not mad at you. I just want to know ---" and "I promise you won't get into trouble if you tell me" as well as the more traditional "Simon Says" approach that Blix advocates because it makes questioning more fun for all concerned.

3. UNMOVIC agrees to mount air-raid sirens on all vehicles so that the elderly and hard-of-hearing will have plenty of time to get out of the way of the big important UN guys.

2. The seat belts in the UN helicopters, which had been removed for maintenance, will be replaced just as soon as the parts come in. In the meantime, the Iraqi soldiers who accompany the UN teams promise not jostle for space so aggressively in the cramped helicopters.

1. UNMOVIC will share their videos with their Iraqi minders, and put the movie on pause to thoroughly explain any jokes or situations that the Iraqis don't understand. This is in contrast to UNMOVIC's earlier policy of snappishly hissing "Don't worry about it!" whenever the Iraqis request clarification of jokes and plot points.

In a light-hearted moment that will doubtless come to symbolize this "new dawn of last chances", a grinning Iraqi dignitary made "bunny ears" behind the enormous head of chief inspector Hans Blix, who flashed his trademark smirk to the cameras as he signed the breakthrough document.