You May Have Already Won!
The Washington Post says that the military have started an email campaign to convince senior Iraqi officials not to do stuff that sucks if a shooting war starts.
Happy Fun Pundit has obtained exclusive samples of the text of these emails, which demonstrate the amazing sophistication of US psychological warfare experts:
Subject: Urgent Email Regarding Your Future
Hi IRAQI GENERAL
No sales pitch - just a brief email. It's being sent to you because if you are like most people, you want to make more money AND NOT GET SHOT IN THE HEAD BY SADDAM.
It's simple: We are making money from home, using the internet. YOU can too. What's more - we will show YOU how to do the same thing. You won't "get rich quick", and you do have to actually work AND NOT FIGHT AGAINST AMERICAN MILITARY FORCES. We are working it, and people in my group are making substantial incomes WITHOUT RISK OF BEING EXECUTED IN FREQUENT PURGES OF IRAQ'S MILITARY LEADERSHIP.
Interested? I invite you to find out more. You can get in as a free member, at no cost, and no obligation to continue if you decide it is not for you OR YOU ARE SHOT IN THE HEAD BY SADDAM. We are just looking for people who still have that "burning desire" to find an opportunity that will reward them incredibly well, if they work at it AND AREN'T EXECUTED DURING FREQUENT PURGES OF IRAQ'S MILITARY LEADERSHIP and AREN'T KILLED FIGHTING AMERICAN TROOPS.
To grab a FREE ID#, simply reply to : GENERALFRANKS@MAKEMOREMONEY.MIL
and in the body of the email, write this phrase:
"Please secure my free membership"
Be sure to include:
1. First Name
2. Last Name
3. Email address (if different from above)
4. LOCATION OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
5. ORDER OF BATTLE OF FORCES UNDER YOUR COMMAND
We will confirm your position and send you a special report as soon as possible, and also Your Free Member Number.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Tom Franks
Lonesome? Bored? Just want to talk?
Guys, give our friendly ladies a call !?
1-800-463-IRAQ?
We'll talk with you about anything you want!?
* Love * Sex * Weaposn of Mass Destruction *?
* Dating * Baghdad Defense Plans * ?
* What Women Really Want In A Man *?
Or heck, we can just talk about nothing! ?
Talk to us LIVE! No credit cards needed! Just pick up the phone. ?
Nothing Will Appear On Your Phone Bill - STATE SECURITY WILL NEVER KNOW!
Subject: ITS KAREN WHY DIDNT YOU CALL???
Hi AZIZ its me KAREN!! Im the cute girl you met at the PRO-SADDAM RALLY!! You were going to tell me THE LOCATION AND DISPOSITION OF YOUR UNIT when the SECRET POLICE DISPERSED THE CROWD WITH TEARGAS!! I was hoping you would call but I guess you were busy!! Anyhow get back to me --- remebmer what I said about how Ill show you my CHEMICAL OR BIOLOGICAL WARFARE APPARATUS if you show me yours tee hee!!
So write back or call me at 1-800-463-IRAQ! I really want to get to know you AND YOUR ESTIMATE OF YOUR UNITS CAPABILITY AND MORALE!!
Luv,
Karen
PS: My friend Jeannie (she's the exotic dancer I told you about!!) really wants to meet you too, and she goes crazy for guys with WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!
Dear Sir,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am ODANI BOYTHEPIPESARECALLING, Director of the Central Bank of Nigeria. I have been given your name by MR. HUSSEIN as a person in whom to trust. Please refer to any number of my other emails for the details of how I came to be in control of a large sum of money which I need your help to smuggle out of the country. Anyhow, I know you're busy, so let me cut to the chase: the guys who have the money at present want a weapon of mass destruction before they'll hand over the cash. Through my various connections, I can arrange transportation for the weapon, but I need to know where to pick one up. Can you help, in exchange for a reasonable cut of the money, say 30%? If so, please get back to me ASAP, as many other Nigerian Bank Directors (and I gotta tell you, dude, in this country you can't swing a cat without hitting a bank director) have their eyes on the prize. Once I have the location of the weapon, my friends will be there within hours to pick it up --- they'll be the guys wearing camouflage and speaking English (or maybe a language that'll sound suspiciously like Hebrew). And remember, it's got to be a weapon of mass destruction; my pals are going to be tres pissed if they show up and find out you've got some pissant artillery piece.
Love and Kisses,
Odani
Posted by Steve at January 15, 2003 01:31 PM
