Late to the Party...

...but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't get some Andrew Motion parodies out there. For those of you just tuning in: some Brit poet laureate-type spewed forth this little gem:

CAUSA BELLI by Andrew Motion

They read good books, and quote, but never learn
a language other than the scream of rocket-burn.
Our straighter talk is drowned but ironclad:
elections, money, empire, oil and Dad.

Wowie wow wow. I bet that made George Bush cry, then tearfully call Saddam and apologize. It's not surprising that a guy with a name like "Motion" might go into poetry after spending his childhood hearing hurtful things like

Let's grab Motion!
Cover him with lotion!
Fill him full of potions!
Then toss him in the ocean!

And I just made that up in the spot --- imagine what someone immature might come up with. Anyhow, yeah, Andrew's probably a simmering teapot of angry, and it sure comes through in his poem. Not since Bryan Adam's "Cut Like a Knife" or Wham's "Careless Whispers"* has the English language been used as such a finely honed weapon of mass something-or-other. I'm just glad the guy ain't mad at me.

This first parody is an attempt to formulate a proper response to the original, although many of the parodies that Tim Blair has published do a better job:

KOOKS OF BERKELEY by Happy Fun Steve

They don't have jobs, wear hemp, and seldom bathe
a trust fund kicks ass in la vida activist.
They're agin it if George Bush is fer it.
emotions, PETA, Mother Jones replace thought.

However, I seemed to find more inspiration in the title of the original than in the content, as this second attempt shows:

COSTCO BOOTY

They sell large lots, and tires, this warehouse club
a polish sausage and pop costs one ninety nine.
The eighty pound bag's a good idea:
highlighter marking receipts as you leave.

Hmm. What else sounds like "CAUSA BELLI"?

COSBY BUGS ME

He did "Noah's Ark", heard that in church once
And funny programs like "I Spy" in '65
But pudding pops and that damned Cosby Show:
Obnoxious preachy has-beens piss me off.

And what outpouring of verse would be complete without a double-barreled tip o' the hat to one of my favourite movies?

CASABLANCA

They say "What watch?", "Such watch!", their English sucks
is Captain Renault a man who keeps promises?
The Nazi's song is drowned out by Frenchmen:
Rick's Cafe, usual suspects, underdogs.

"You despise me, don't you?", asks Ugarte
two travel permits are stashed in Sam's piano.
Gambling here? I am shocked, shocked I tell you:
Hill of beans, Victor Laszlo, Ilsa and Rick.

I'm still working on:

CARTER BUNGLING
CARTER'S BOOBIES (a tribute to TV's Wonder Woman)
A CASK OF A.MOTIONADO ("For the love of God, Andrew Motion!")
CAUSE HE'S A BEEGEE (A tribute to the late Maurice Gibb)
KANDOR BOTTLE (an ode to tiny people from the planet Krypton)
BORDER COLLIE (a moving tribute to Happy Fun Pundit's own canine correspondent, Katie)
CAST OF BAYWATCH

Ah, poet laureates. What would we do without them?

* Full disclosure: Dan owned both the albums that these songs were originally on, although I don't believe he ever got Wham on CD. However, in the course of his many legal entanglements he has often asserted that "guilty feet ain't got no rhythm" and tried to establish his innocence by dancing around the courtroom. To date this "terpsichorean defense" has not been successful.