Conyers and Rangel: The Happy Fun Pundit Interview

Recently, John Conyers and Charlie Rangel have been promoting the idea of a new military draft. Since we feel this radical idea needs more public discussion, we have decided to interview Conyers and Rangel for our HFP Readers.

HFP: Hi, everybody!
Conyers and Rangel: Hi, Happy Fun Pundit!
HFP: Thanks for stopping by. Now, would either of you like to explain why the U.S. needs a draft?
Rangel: To make our military more effective!
HFP: But the military doesn't want the draftees. What would they do?
Rangel: Well, we could employ them in non-military work then.
HFP: You mean, like slave labor?
Rangel: I wouldn't put it that way. Our nation would be stronger if there was a feeling of shared sacrifice among the population.
HFP: There was. It was called the Clinton administration. Nyuk Nyuk. I kill me.
Rangel: Shared sacrifice is important. It pulls a nation together.
HFP: But isn't there a cheaper way to do that? Like, couldn't you just hire someone to just go from door to door slapping people in the head? Or, you could pass a law forcing all cable TV stations to broadcast 'Donahue' for six hours a night. Hell, I'd sign up for military service to get away from that crazy bastard.
Rangel: Go ahead and laugh, but America was built on shared sacrifice. Here - read my copy of the Declaration of Independence. I carry it with me wherever I go. That's how much I love my country.
HFP: Let me check. Let's see... Life...Liberty...Pursuit of Happiness...Oh, here it is. "To maintain the security and freedom of the people, the people should be enslaved for two years upon reaching their 18th birthday, just to teach them that life sucks." Wow. How did all those constitutional scholars miss that?
Rangel: It's a mystery.
HFP: I notice that clause is written in pencil. Oh, look: You've got a copy of the constitution here, too...
Rangel: Give me that!
HFP: I see you've crossed out the second amendment...
Rangel: Can we get back to the issue? Seriously, part of the problem is that there are too many minorites in the military. We need to even that out.
HFP: But they are volunteers, aren't they? Don't minorities have a right to choose? I thought it was a good thing when opportunities were open for minorities. Isn't the military the very embodiment of equality? Aren't minorities disproportionally signing up because the military provides them excellent opportunities for job training and career advancement?
Rangel: But if we go to war, minorities will be killed disproportionately.
HFP: So, let me get this straight - it's bad to have too many minorities voluntarily sign up for military service, so the solution is to force more minorities into the military at gunpoint, so long as an equal number of white people go with them? Is that what you're saying? And since the military says that an all-volunteer force is more effective than a drafted force, you're willing to lower the efficiency of the military and therefore also risk the lives of the minorities who are already there? Is that your point?
Rangel: Well, now that you put it that way, it sounds kinda nuts, doesn't it?
HFP: Okay, Mr. Conyers: Didn't you sponsor a bill last year calling for a permanent end to the draft? Didn't you say the draft was immoral and unnecessary? Why the change?
Conyers: Uh, well, we weren't fighting a war then.
HFP: Yes we were.
Conyers: Oh yeah. Well, the military didn't need the people then.
HFP: It doesn't need them now. Nor does it want them.
Conyers: Look, the logic is impeccable, if you just... LOOK OVER THERE! A BABY WOLF!
[Conyers runs out of room]
HFP: It would appear that Mr. Conyers has a previous engagement. Let's put our cards on the table, okay? You don't really want a draft, do you? Aren't you really just trying to raise opposition to the war by threatening the population? Aren't you really saying, "If you support this war, I'll take your child away from you for two years"?
Rangel: No, no. We just want people to understand what the risks are.
HFP: You mean the risk that your elected representative will do something incredibly stupid, like call for a draft when the military doesn't want or need it? And isn't part of this that you're trying to whip up a bunch of anti-war sentiment by threatening students? Aren't you trying to bring back the peace protests of the Vietnam era?
Rangel: I dig hippie chicks.
HFP: Okay, Charlie. I think we've asked enough questions for today. I'll let you get back to 1972 now.
Rangel: Far out, man.