Anecdote about Kim Jong Il
From time to time, I like to read the official newspapers of the various dictatorships around the world, because the 'official' state line is on issues of the day can be enlightening. Usually, these papers are just depressing - the stories all have that Orwellian feel of a reality subtly twisted and manipulated to control a populace.
But the North Korean newspapers offer a bit more, because Kim Jong Il is nuts. And not just a kill-everyone-who-opposes-me kind of nuts, although he does that as well. No, Kim is Michael Jackson nuts. He likes to be serviced by slave women while watching Daffy Duck cartoons. He believes he can turn a land into a paradise by touching a picture of it (this trick apparently doesn't work on pictures of North Korea). He writes movie reviews and sends them to South Korean newspapers, while his own people haven't heard a single utterance from him in public for eight years. So his newspapers often veer off on weird tangents that make for interesting reading. And sometimes they are illuminating in ways that the government never intended.
Take, for example, the Korean News. It regularly publishes 'anecdotes' about Kim Jong-Il that are supposed to cast him in a good light, but are often just bizarre. The latest issue contains this gem:
Anecdote about Kim Jong Il
Pyongyang, January 6 (KCNA) -- Kim Jong Il visited a factory in December Juche 87 (1998). Inspecting the factory, he felt the working site was cool. He said what was the most important thing in building a factory and a working site was to pay deep attention to workers and their working conditions.
Before leaving the factory, he dropped in at a room where products of the factory were on display. He said the room was warm and nice and it would be good to move the workshop to this sunny room now.
All the officials accompanying him were deeply moved by the leader valuing the workers more than anything else.
Wow, what a guy. These clowns had to dig back four years to find something nice to say about the Mad Midget of PyongYang, and THIS was the best they could come up with? The guy walks through a factory and notices that a showroom is the nicest part of it, so he tells the managers to move the factory into the showroom? North Korea hadn't seen a management decision that brilliant since Kim Jong Il decided to revitalize the North Korean movie industry by kidnapping South Korean filmmakers.
This is the kind of stupidity that goes on in countries with lunatic dictators, which is why they wind up with a Gross Domestic Product the size of my monthly Slurpee budget. The poor factory owners probably had to rewire the entire place, and when they finally crowded the workers into the showroom, the 'nice warm' temperature was probably stifling. In the meantime, the goods they make are now being 'showcased' in a dark, cool, empty factory.
Thanks a lot, tiny North Korean Elvis.
Posted by Dan at January 7, 2003 12:48 PM
Dateline: Pyongyang, North Korea 18:21 GMT 03/01/2003 FauxNews Wireservice
Kim Jong Il Issues New Challenge to President Bushwhacker
By Donald "At Large" Trader, Roving Correspondent
Goaded by fear of the Bushwhacker image as the most determined bully on the world stage, North Korea’s “Dear Leader”, has issued a challenge to President Bushwhacker. The American President has in recent months taken a hard line toward Kim Jong Il’s withdrawal from the Nuclear non-Proliferation Treaty, his restarting of a nuclear power plant and nuclear fuel reprocessing plants, and the expulsion of UN nuclear inspectors.
The challenge, which sources in Washington say the White House is seriously considering: (1) Who can pouche up their mouth in the tightest and most disapproving display of disapproval? (2) Second, who can sashay across the stage of world opinion with the most hip motion and fluttering of hands? (3) Third, who can produce more hero-worshippers in their capital city’s main square?
The loser would have to take over the other country’s debt burdens, be obliged to feed their people for 100 years, and fondle the winner’s private parts on TV.
President Bushwhacker is reported to feel that he has the upper hand on the pouche-mouth challenge, since he has practiced facial displeasure repeatedly over atheists and liberals during his year 2000 campaign and early years in office. Bushwhacker feels that his involuntary grimaces at inappropriate moments during major speeches on war and peace give him an edge in the facial display, as well.
The second part of the challenge is said to represent more difficulty, since it has been several years since Bushwhacker displayed himself drunk at fraternity parties doing parodies of girly-men. Nevertheless, his extensive experience is deemed sufficient, with coaching, to put him in strong contention to the North Korean “pygmy psychopath.”
On the third challenge, President Bushwhacker feels Kim Jong Il has seriously miscalculated American resolve and geography. The Mall in Washington can hold upwards of 10 million fervent holy rollers, Christian militia, out of work stockbrokers, accountants, and Young Conservatives for Bushwhacker. The President believes the North Korean dictator has underestimated the tools of American conservative power, including Rush Limbaugh, from whom 15 million disaffected Americans get their primary news and information by radio daily.
President Bushwhacker is unafraid of losing. He reportedly said to aide Airy Flyshaker, “There’s no way I will have to put my hand on that nasty little yellow pecker – if he’s got one – because I know America will come through the challenge under my leadership.”
In North Korea, President Kim Jong Il is holding further comment until the challenge is officially accepted. He is said to be surrounded by 433 generals, 6 videographers, 27 publicists, and 4 military aides each holding a velour pillow with a white Persian cat. The reclusive communist leader -- once portrayed as an unstable madman and a cognac-swilling playboy serviced by a team of women known as the "Pleasure Squad" – vows to keep a low profile until his “inevitable victory.”
Background – Two Nations on Different Courses
Kim Jong Il (AKA: Dear Leader) recently celebrated his 61st birthday with an extravagant display of 500,000 military troops goose-stepping past his review stand, and thousands of coordinated Korean girls weaving cloth banners in exchange for crusts of bread. When Western reporters confronted KJI on reported famines in his country, he stated according to one fan website: “There have been rumors of famine in North Korea, circulated by the puppet liars from the South and by the imperialist yankee dogs who should die a wretched death after long suffering. These rumors are totally false! Even in their lies, the propaganda artists of the Western imperialist barbarians acknowledge the superiority of North Korean cooking. Only the skill of North Korean cuisine can make cannibalism so appealing to the palate. But of course there is no cannibalism in North Korea. The food is so healthful that it has been documented that the average North Korean life expectancy is nearly three hundred years!”
All over the North Korean capital, there are colorful murals of women with rosy cheeks and workers and soldiers clutching guns, flags and farm implements, conviction on their clear-eyed, square-jawed faces.
The North Korean challenge was issued after threats to “turn South Korea into a sea of fire”, its neighbor to the south, were dismissed by Washington. Vice President Chainsaw is said to have muttered, “The South Koreans are ungrateful lowlifes, demonstrating against the US in the streets. So what’s a million more or less?”
A former US Ambassador to North Korea, Mr. James Lilley, said in an interview with ABC on Feb. 22, 2003: “You see him in a meeting of Korean generals, the Supreme People's Assembly. This is shocking to me, to see these old, hardened generals with medals from here down to their belly button, sitting there with these rock-hard faces in their uniforms, in walks this guy with a pompadour, high-heel shoes, sort of a truncated mouse suit, a fat belly, and he sort of waddles down to his seat and sits down, and you'd say these, these old hardened men would look at and be appalled. I'm told by Koreans, no. This is the emperor's son and he is, he is there, and you will be loyal to him. He's called ‘the dear leader’ or Chidoja."
“Rash? Not really. He seems to be more cunning, more plotting, planning. He plotted, for instance, the sabotage of KA-858 in November '87, when 115 South Koreans were blown up. There's also
indications that he may have been behind the Rangoon bombing when 17 people from the highest echelons of the South Korea government were killed and the president missed being killed by a few minutes.”
On rumors of KJI’s strange behavior, Ambassador Lilly said: “Well, I think that we had this source of the, the South Korea movie people who he abducted from Hong Kong, and who escaped in Europe, who gave us a very long description of his personal habits. Well, like these all-night parties, drunken, girls,
all this kind of thing. He loved movies. He wanted to be a movie director and make them watch his movies. And then we heard this most recent one about the Russian that went across Siberia with him and he said his eating habits were really something else. The amount of champagne, brandy, dishes served. This man lives a very sumptuous life, and you might say he's a bit spoiled. He likes this. He likes attention.”
Research shows that Pravda ran a story datelined Moscow at 18:52hours on Jan 8, 2001,
“KIM JONG-IL LEFT OMSK WHERE HE HAD SPENT EXACTLY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.
On Wednesday the head of the Korean People's Democratic Republic Kim Jong-Il left Omsk where he had spent exactly twenty-four hours. The press service of the regional administration reported that Kim Jong-Il had managed to visit the Omsk music theatre, the regional Pushkin library, the "Transmash" factory and "Omsky bekon". Before arriving in Omsk the armoured train made short stops in Krasnoyarsk and Novosibirsk. The special train is moving to Moscow via Ekaterinburg and Yaroslavl.”
The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) of North Korea reports from Pyongyang on Feb 19 2003:” A number of songs about Jong Il Peak are popular in the DPRK (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.) The peak rises high behind the native home in the secret camp in Mt. Paektu, the birthplace of Kim Jong Il. The songs about the peak created in the DPRK since then truthfully reflect the people's unbounded reverence for Kim Jong Il who has performed undying feats on behalf of the country and the people, the times and history and his noble personality as a great man. "Thunder on Jong Il Peak", and other songs depict Kim Jong Il as the illustrious commander born of heaven endowed with the spirit of Mt. Paektu. Singing these songs, the army and the people of the DPRK will glorify their honor as victors in the anti-imperialist and anti-U.S. struggle to protect the dignity and the sovereignty of the nation and in the drive to build a powerful nation of Juche.” Juche is the unique personality cult built around KJI and his father.
A Powerful America Rises from Ashes to Challenge North Korean and Iraqi Giants
A prophetic story by Roland Watson in Washington to the London Times on Dec 12, 2002 was titled:
“Confrontation: Mr Bushwhacker has a similar loathing against Kim Jong Il as Saddam Hussein. "
The official White House position is that President Saddam Hussein’s predatory and destructive record places him at the head of Mr. Bushwhacker’s “axis of evil”. The unofficial answer is that, despite the great risks involved in trying to get rid of Saddam, he is an easier target. The hundreds of North Korean missiles pointed at South Korea, together with the world’s fourth-largest standing army of about one million across the border, are a powerful deterrent, but military power may not protect Mr. Kim for ever.
“I loathe Kim Jong Il,” President Bushwhacker told the Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward in a recent interview. “I’ve got a visceral reaction to this guy, because he is starving his people. And I have seen intelligence of these prison camps — they’re huge — that he uses to break up families and to torture people. It appalls me.”
Mr. Woodward spoke to Mr. Bushwhacker at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and included the interview in the epilogue of his instant bestseller about the White House after the September 11 attacks. When the subject of North Korea came up, Mr. Bushwhacker became so emotional that Mr. Woodward thought that he was about to leap to his feet. He said that he was “not foolish” and that he understood the threat posed by the North Korean military. He also said that he was under pressure to go slow, because the plight of the North Korean people would worsen once the United States began tightening the screws. But he added: “I just don’t buy that. Either you believe in freedom, and worry about the human condition, or you don’t.”
The Bushwhacker vision, it seems, is not just about snuffing out terrorism. “There is nothing bigger than to achieve world peace,” he said. He sees no irony in the fact this is the stock answer of Miss America contestants as they parade across the stage in bathing suits.
What he means is that he is prepared to fight wars if the goal is to liberate the oppressed and usher in stability. In addition, Mr. Bushwhacker, a born-again Christian, is bringing to the task the zeal of the converted. Precisely what that means for Kim Jong Il is unclear, apart from demonstrating that the ruthlessly determined President is on to him.
A CNN report on Thursday, February 20, 2003 Posted: 2:12 AM EST (0712 GMT):
“South Korea scrambled two fighter jets and readied anti-aircraft missile batteries after a North Korean MiG fighter briefly intruded into its airspace, defense officials in Seoul say. The incident, which took place at around 1003 local time Thursday (0103 GMT), comes at a time of increased tensions on the Korean Peninsula and sent the South's armed forced into high alert. The last such incident took place in 1983.”
More ominously, a Tennessee radio station is playing a warlike parody to the tune of “Yakkety Saxs” which says, “Going to Baghdad, in stinking Iraq – then North Korea, yakkety yak, - we’re with Bushwhacker, no turning back!”
