December 09, 2002
Four Three Two One, Protestors Are Really Dumb! Three Four One Two, They Don't Have a Freakin' Clue!
I went off to see Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, the "Prince of Darkness" himself, speak in San Francisco on Friday. He didn't have anything to say that rocked my world, nor is he a particularly dynamic speaker; however, considering that he'd gone Turkey-Belgium-DC-San Francisco in the course of the week, nobody could blame him for being a bit low-energy. I was mostly interested in to getting an idea of how much "We hope to disarm Saddam without going to war" was lip service, but Paulie didn't let much slip, though I could've sworn there was one point at which he talked about invading Iraq as though it was a foregone conclusion.
However, forget about all that. The real show was the protestors, big patchouli-scented gobs of 'em, outside the hotel where Wolfowitz was speaking. There were also some daring souls who infiltrated the speech itself, "infiltrating" in this meaning "laying out twenty bucks for a ticket" and thereby smudging bits of capitalism on heretofore pure souls, but what the hell, it was for a higher cause, right? Can't make an omelette without springing for some eggs.
The first pair of protestors stood up about ten minutes into the speech, both dressed all in black, he in his round-lensed black-rimmed glasses (does Greenpeace sell those or what?) and started chanting "Stop the war in Iraq!" at full volume and fumbling with a banner that they were trying to stretch out between them. Wolfowitz totally ignored them and just kept on droning while the police led the noisy pair out. Total disruption time: 30 seconds or so.
Group #2 didn't manage thirty seconds because before standing up, they took off their jackets to reveal their slogan-scribbled t-shirts, prompting nearby audience members to wave to the cops and point out the disruptors, who were promptly flanked by large members of the constabulary. The protestors had just enough time to stand up and yell "No blood for" before being set in motion by beefy policemen. Net disruption: 15 seconds.
Group #3 struck during the question-and-answer period without displaying warning t-shirts, but their advantage in tactical sense was offset by a complete lack of coherence in the "shouting" part of their operation; screaming "How do you feel about destroying the environment?" at the Deputy Secretary of Defense strikes me as ineffective at best. These guys managed about 25 seconds, but mostly because the shouting guy (the other two kept silent, apparently there for moral support) had just a helluva set of pipes on him. He also didn't seem amused by my little wave and "Have a nice day" as the cops dragged him past my seat. C'mon buddy, when did the fun go out of being a public nuisance?
By the time I left, the protestors outside had dwindled down to a handful of hardcores, including one wag in a "Wolfman" mask who apparently wasn't so good at identifying people who might be receptive to his schtick. Important safety tip: do not continue to harass the large man who just told you to "Grow the f___ up, dingbat." If you analyze his words carefully, you will see that he is signalling a lack of interest in your "message".
On the whole, the protestors came off as childish, and you could sense that the audience (who by and large did not seem particularly sympathetic to Wolfowitz, as one might expect of a Frisco crowd) were not in the least impressed by the juvenile antics of the disruptors, and by the third outburst were collectively rolling their eyes and muttering "here we go again". If the protestors' objective was to annoy and alienate anyone more moderate than they, it worked. Beyond that, I don't think they accomplished anything other than fulfilling some fantasy vision of themselves as bold folk heroes, and maybe winning some cachet among the antiwar-crowd [insert slur on leftist stereotype here]. I'm thinking that maybe in that crowd you get little lapel pins or charm bracelets for each time you're carried out by the cops or something; "I got this at 'No Blood for Oil 91', this one for 'Russian mothers love their babies too' in 86, and this here's a very special award for hitting all three legs of the 'Woody Harrelson Against the Man' in 95. Want to come back to my place and see my etchings of oil-covered seagulls?"
I also have a few hints 'n' tips for any would-be bold folk heroes out there:
- WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR BLOOD FOR OIL? Spend a few bucks on your public address system. You will not persuade anyone of anything when you sound like the kid at the drive-through, even though I'm quite certain it's a role many of you grew comfortable with after finishing your Masters in Diversity Studies.
- EET MOR BLUD 4 OIL! Spellcheck those protest signs, kids.
- HELL NO, WE WON'T --- er, line? Most people associate chanting with children and religious cults. I'm jes' sayin', is all.
- EARN YOUR BLOOD MONEY, PIG! Look, your goal is holler and disrupt for as long as possible, right? Did you ever stop to consider that sitting in aisle seats (which all three groups at the Wolfowitz speech did) makes it a lot easier for the cops to reach you? Middle of the row, people, middle of the row. Besides, it's just common courtesy to leave the more comfortable seats for people who are going to stay for the whole event.
- COUNTDOWN TO DUMB In the same vein, giving the police several seconds' warning that you're about to do something obnoxious is just not a good tactic. We appreciate that you put in a lot of crayon time writing on your t-shirt, but if you sit there displaying it for several seconds before beginning your chant, that cuts down on the amount of time we have to admire your calligraphy.
- STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES Practice with your banner before the actual event. You look really, really stupid when you can't unroll a simple banner within a few seconds. Also, be aware that if you ever unroll a banner in front of my face at an engagement for which I've paid good money, rest assured that the situation will end badly for you and your banner.
Posted by Steve at December 9, 2002 08:48 PM
Sounds like a grand time. My favorite protesters are the environmentalists who pass out lots and lots of dead trees proclaiming the importance of saving mother nature, and then leave a huge mess in the area they were protesting. Voltaire himself couldn't have asked for more ridiculous opponents.
So true. These protesters have no concept of irony! And if you're going to bring posterboards to a demonstration, be sure to write in letters large and neat enough so that people can READ what you're trying to communicate.
That "Hell No, We Won't ---er line?" reminds me of a bit Conan O'Brien did on chats by Mets fans that are way too long. I don't know if he ever did an anti-war version. "Hell No, We Won't Go Until You Stop This War and the Illegal Occupation of the West Bank and Wrecking the Environment and Furthermore You Guys Should Free Mumia ... (etc.)
How can anybody who calls themselves "Happy Fun Pundit" actually spend time at a Paul Wolfowitz speech? I could understand going to a speech by that wild and crazy guy, Donny Rumsfeld, but Paul Wolfowitz??? Change your name to "Sick Boring Wonk Pundit", or else.
What can I say? I guess I got him confused with Wolfman Jack. I went expecting to hear about the Pompetus of Defense.
Happy Fun, I hope you caught the column in the WSJ by your Seattle kindred spirit yesterday...I cannot WAIT until we have some fun rally action here in Portland OR so I can follow in your fine footprints!
Hey, it probably got them laid... which is the whole point, isn't it?
Mike, you missed the point. Happy Fun Pundit's reporting turned an ordinary wonk speach into something happy and fun.
Proposition 53 is a load of fuckin bullshit and YOU KNOW IT!!! Isn't this the board about Proposition 53 or whatever?
I have diahreea.
Like DenBeste just said over on his latest post, y'know you got free speech when people are allowed to be fuckin' loons in public. God Bless America.
Had a similar protest here a few months ago when Bush was in town to speak at a fundraiser for the GOP's U.S. Senate candidate in Tennessee. Outside the hall, there were oh about 50 anti-war protestors. I think. Some of them carried signs about the war. Most had signs about trees, the environment, etc. Even saw a Ralph Nader/Green Party poster, two NOW posters, and one calling Bush and Cheney terrorists. Down the street were a dozen of the most courageous people I've seen in a long time: Iraqi immigrants all holding up signs in support of Bush and of going to war against Iraq. And - imagine this - the Iraqis' signs were more legible, coherent and on point than the anti-war protesters. And one group seemed to shower more often than the other. It was great fun. Bush's speech rocked, too.
I wrote about it here and posted a picture from the event here.
Dang, the hyperlinks didn't post. Okay, the story is here:
http://hobbsonline.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_hobbsonline_archive.html#81737760
and the picture is here:
http://hobbsonline.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_hobbsonline_archive.html#81775716
Did Jane Galt or her new side kick, MindlesDreck, qutoe you?
It's still worth reading
This sort of activity just cries out to be hacked.
Show up with a banner, T-shirts, etc, that say things like STOP THE MARTIAN INVASION. Chant NO BLOOD FOR DILITHIUM, or perhaps PYRAMID POWER NOW!
Or reach back into (real) history, and go with FIFTY-FOUR-FORTY OR FIGHT. Tailor your chant to your locality: REMEMBER THE ALAMO; REMEMBER GOLIAD!
Keep your paraphernalia concealed until the first set of protestors has done their thing. But after that, it's a free-for-all.
I've never acrually seen a protester in person. I live in a small town and during my time in the military the one protest scheduled at my base never came off, dammit. Three hours sweating in the ready building in riot gear, and the weenies were a no show. Course they were probably better off for it, we were a touch grumpy. It was F.E. Warren AFB, back in 81 we were going to get the first 50 MX/Peacekeeper ICBM's when they were to be deployed.
while I was stationed at fort bragg there was a big anti war protest, maybe 500 people. Fort Bragg is the home of the 82nd Airborne, 30000 troops ready to fight. Hillarity ensued
Hey, Happy Fun Pundit, Paul Wolfowitz is not the "Prince of Darkness". That's Richard Perle.
PW is the Unilateralist or the Velociraptor [according to the Press].
Geez, what a pisser for Wolfowitz that some other guy got the good nickname. Ah well, at least he didn't get stuck with "Little Handmaiden of the End Times", "Gentle Shepherd of Ragnarok", or "Delivery Boy of the Eschaton."
Good catch, Desert Umpah.
At least Wolfowitz got a great rendering:
http://www.economist.com/images/20020209/D0602US0.jpg
you are ignorant morons. Stupid. Parochial. Smallminded. Bloodthirsty. Racist.
10 million people around the world cant be wrong.
> the Iraqis' signs were more legible, coherent and on point than the anti-war protesters.
- Thats because they were provided by the govt.
Comments like Desert Umpah's really disturb me. I'm an antiwar protestor, and I liked this article. Lots of protestors need to get their acts together. This includes not hurling invectives at people on their own turf without providing anything resembling argumentation. It just makes other protestors who do have their acts together look bad. While I disagree with your position regarding the war, I don't know you well enough to call you names. I also know how to keep on topic. Desert Umpah's, while relevant to your site as a whole, has nothing to do with this article. Shame, shame.
That said, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, FALLING BOMBS AREN'T MUCH FUN!
Cheers,
Zach
"Smudging bits of capitalism on heretofore pure souls"? You sure missed the point there, buddy. The point is that we ain't gots no pure soles no mo. And these protests, naive and grammatically incorrect though they may seem to you, are a call for all kind people of the world to unite and to stop this oilcrusade. People who aren't Stupid. Parochial. Smallminded. Bloodthirsty. Racist...Regardless of their ability to purchase the most eggs by the end of the game.
Oh god. That old standby again....chanting the old "Stupid...Parochial...Smallminded...Bloodthirsty...Racist..." lines. I hear these from really, really, ignorant people, regardless if they have a hyperlink to dictionary.com.
